I’ve been waxing lady bits for 10 years now, and I saw something recently that I have never seen before. When I go to work I get my schedule and unless the client has been there before, I really have no idea what I’m getting when I walk into the waiting room. It’s like the lottery….4 women sitting there with wine in one hand, Vogue in the other, waiting for their name to be called. I look at my list, pick the client that I hope is mine, look her in the eye, call out a name and pray that is the person that stands up. Sometimes you win, sometimes you lose….
On this particular day, the girl who I had picked to be my client didn’t stand up. Instead, Big Betty stood up. Oh gawd no..no..no! Please don’t get me wrong…I wax overweight people all the time but in this business thin is in, especially for Brazilians. It is so much harder and more work for me to wax someone who is over the chubby line, and really, this is all about me. So, we say hello and off we go!
She’s never had this done before….naturally. I take her to the room, explain everything and let her get changed. I step out of the room and start my rosary. What the hell am I going to do here? I only get 45 minutes to do this and I just know this is going to be a complete hot mess. I cowboy up and head back in.
As I’m putting my gloves on (oh hell yes I always wear gloves) we are chatting and she is saying how nervous she is…how her boyfriend wanted her to get this done (MEN!) and how he is paying for it (how nice of him…is he leaving me a giant tip for this?) I go to pull back the towel ready for a burley forest of epic proportions….and I get nothing….okay, I pull back the towel a little more…nothing…what the hell? So I fold the towel in half and then I see it….THE GIANT VAGINA! Seriously, I have never seen anything like this in my life; I mean I’ve seen some crazy shit on naked people: bunny tails, weird looking moles, scars, toilet paper in places that should be clean and even had one woman pull out Anal Ease to use on her, but not this. The good news was she really didn’t have that much in the way of hair, thank god! But this GV was about to swallow me whole…and I wanted to puke. I know this sounds mean, and I’m really not a mean person, but I can’t explain to you just how ginormous this was. As I was waxing her, I kept thinking I wish I could take a picture of this for the blog…I swear I was thinking that! I even considered asking her if I could, but alas I did not for fear of being sued.
Like I said, she didn’t have much in the way of hair so the waxing went fairly quickly. We are chatting away, with me trying to keep the vom down and from being sucked into the black hole and then she hits me with a whammy….
Big Betty: “Am I normal? I mean, I know I’m big…but is it normal?”
Wormy: <Holy Shit! What do I say?> “Yes of course you are normal.” <Grimace>
Big Betty: “Have you seen other women this big?”
Wormy: <Fuck No! You are a freak! Your vag is freaking me out…I’m afraid I might fall in and never be seen or heard from again!> “Everyone has a little cushion there…it’s for protection of that area and its completely normal.” <blink…smile…blink>
Big Betty: “I’m just so self-conscious about it….so really I’m okay?”
Wormy: <absolutely not, you are not okay!!! You should be in a sideshow at the circus > “Yes, everything is just fine.”
At this point I was really feeling bad for her. Big Betty was actually a very nice lady; she kept saying how scared she was to come in and how comfortable she was with me and how professional I am about the situation. <That’s right, I can be professional!> I really ended up liking her as a client and I think she will be back….as long as her boyfriend is paying for it.