A strange thing has been happening to me since I started dating Mavrick. I have been channeling my inner girlie girl.
In the past few days I have bought a $50 bra at Victoria’s Secret, got a mani/pedi, went clothes shopping, and shaved the backs of my thighs. It’s like I have been invaded by a she-demon, hell-bent on applying eye shadow and making me wear matching bra and panties. It wants to make me sexy.
This is not a comfortable space for me to be in. I don’t do sexy. I do funny, crazy, zany, stupid and drunk, but I do not do sexy. Until now. Now I sorta do want to be sexy, and I want Mavrick to think I’m sexy, and apparently, I am willing to spend an obscene amount of money on a tit sling to make this happen. Or attempt to make this happen.
We had a Halloween party to attend last night, and I, who mock and shame people that use Halloween as an excuse to dress like a slut, (What are you? Oh, I’m a sexy nurse! Or a sexy cop! Or a sexy doctor! Or a sexy mechanic!) wanted to step up my sexy game. I call my go-to sexologist, Hot Mama.
Me: “I need a sexy costume.”
HM: “How sexy are we talking? Skin showing? Boobs? Ass hanging out? Mysterious sexy, or Yes, you are getting some tonight sexy?”
Me: “I have no idea. If it were up to me, I would go as a sexy Geico Caveman. Wait. That just may work!”
HM: “You’re an ass. I will be over in the morning. Prepare to be sexified.”
Hot Mama comes over Friday morning, bag in tow. She starts flinging out sexy costumes, all of which were black, red, or black and red. Apparently black and red are very sexy colors. I quickly dispatched most of them as being TOO sexy, and finally settled on a Little Red Riding Hood Costume.
Showed a little cleavage, short little skirt with black tulle, but it had a cape, so I didn’t feel like a total tramp. I could also pair with the costume my stripper shoes, from my infamous pole-dancing phase. Shoes I was pretty sure I would never wear again. Score!
She advised me to wear a push-up bra, thigh high fishnets, and garters. I informed her I did not own any of these items. She gasped in horror, smacked my face, and told me to get thee to a mall. I obeyed.
So I go to the mall, in flip-flops, yoga pants, and a shirt older than I am, because that’s typically how I roll, and dropped $100 on a sexy bra, sexy thigh highs, and sexy garters. I then went and got a sexy mani/pedi. I was going to take this sexy and make it my bitch.
Mavrick was going as Maverick from Top Gun (that’s where his nickname comes from, BTW. When Wormy met him for the first time, she said he looked just like Tom Cruise from that movie.) I was getting ready at his house, so I get a sexy bag, and I pack all of my sexy gear into it. I take a sexy shower, do my hair and make-up all sexy, and get into all of my sexy new clothes. If Mavrick didn’t think *this* was sexy, then I have no idea what sexy is. I had on garters and thigh highs for fuck’s sake.
Wormy and Chilla came over, we pregame a few drinks at Mavrick’s, and head to the party. I was feeling pretty sexy. And pretty tipsy. Which must explain why I decided it was a good idea to have sex with Mavrick in the ladies room of the Saxonburg Moose.
Yes. That’s right. We decided to follow up skydiving with public bathroom sex. It was pretty freaking hot, I will say that. Turns out that a short skirt with garters makes things pretty easy. I had just shot straight past sexy and into that rare stratosphere of super, duper, extra sexy with a side of oh, hell ya.
And then it happened. Good ol, regular, non-sexy mindbling came roaring back with a vengeance. I am not sure how this happened, Mavrick isn’t sure how this happened, and he was in the stall with me, but my foot landed in the toilet. Let me repeat. In.The.Toilet.
Stripper shoe, fishnet, foot. In toilet. People were coming into the restroom, so I figured now was a good time to get back to the party. I remove my foot from the toilet, straighten out my garters, grab Mavrick, and with as much dignity as I could muster in a red and black velvet costume, walked out.
I march up to Wormy.
Me: “Mavrick and I just had sex in the bathroom.”
Wormy: “I know.”
Me: “How did you know?”
Wormy: “Wikki walked in, told me, so I walked in. His feet were backwards.”
Wormy: “Why is your foot wet?”
The stripper shoes, in hindsight, were a bad idea. Wearing a sexy costume, bad idea. Me trying to get my sexy on, also a bad idea. But I’m not giving up. Oh no. I am going to master this sexy thing if it’s the last thing I do. And judging by my fall ratio in those shoes last night, it very well may be.