I have been an absent blogger of late. Please don’t think it’s because there hasn’t been anything happening. If anything, there has been too much happening. So many fabulous, wonderful, blog-worthy events have transpired since I started dating Mavrick, that I simply haven’t had time to get them all down on paper.
We had a trip to Toronto that involved a drag queen show, an overturned heat lamp, and built-in bed restraints, we went to see Flo Rida, tailgated in a parking garage, peed outside, and ended up partying on a Monday night at a college bar. We just got back from another Chicago trip that involved a fourteen-hour drinking binge and Mavrick losing his coat, and so many other stories that at this point, I honestly don’t know where to start.
So let’s just assume that we have been having a rocking good time. And instead of focusing on all of the fun we have been having, let’s examine some very important lessons I have learned in the past three months.
Lesson number one: I cannot drink as much as Mavrick. And that’s saying a lot, because anyone who has drank with me can vouch that I can sling them back. I have tried to keep up with him on numerous occasions, and from what I hear, it didn’t go so well.
Lesson number two: It’s never too early for vodka. Or Bailey’s. Or gin, if that’s all you have laying around. Waking up is a good enough reason as any to celebrate with a drink or three. If you do wake up on a Sunday and have three drinks, it’s probably a bad idea to go to a bar for ‘lunch’, because ‘lunch’ is Mavrick’s code for ‘You are probably going to have to call off work tomorrow.’
Lesson number three: You’re never too old to bang in the back of an SUV. I would suggest, however, that you keep a soft blanket in the back, lest your knee look like this:
Lesson number four: There are many and sundry uses for pickled okra. Don’t ask.
Lesson number five: If you love someone, you have to love their crappy ass taste in beverages. When we were on our Toronto trip, Mavrick got turned on to Canada’s version of the Bloody Mary – The Caesar. The key difference is that instead of tomato juice, they use Clamato juice. Which is TOMATO JUICE WITH CLAM BROTH. I don’t know who the sick fuck is that invented this, but Mavrick loves them and I just think they are so gross, and he makes them even more gross by adding pickles or pickled okra (use numero uno), but I deal with it because that’s what you do when you’re in a relationship.
Lesson number six: Sometimes when you’re drinking, you can take a joke the wrong way. Like, just this weekend, when Mavrick said, “Honey, can we take the Polish bartender with the big tits home with us?”, he was totally kidding. My sense of humor must have been off, and that’s why it took all I had not to dump my drink over his head. Even afterwards, I still didn’t see the humor, but hey, that’s what relationships are about. Finding out what one person thinks is funny, and what the other person thinks is an offense punishable by public caning.
Lesson number seven: Alcohol has a very high calorie content. This is why Mavrick and I have each gained ten pounds since we started dating. That is 20 pounds between the two of us. We were discussing this over a drink yesterday morning. If it wasn’t for sex, or what I now call sexercise, I would get absolutely no physical activity. Sometimes I will trick Mavrick into having sex three times a day. In my calculations, that is equal to 30 minutes on the treadmill, but infinitely more fun, and you can do it naked. I am still trying to flesh out if the lesson is drink less, work out more, or, hey, let’s get fat together, so I will have to keep you posted on this one.
Lesson number eight: It’s the little things that make people happy. A small gesture, like shaving off nipple hair, is as much a symbol of love as a romantic, candlelit dinner.
Lesson number nine: Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. This especially applies to oral.
Lesson number ten: Get over yourself. If the person is with you, and goes out of their way everyday to let you know how much they want to be with you, it’s probably rather destructive to keep throwing up road blocks, because somewhere deep down inside you don’t feel like you deserve this. Wait. What? Who? Me? Moving on ….
And my final lesson: Laugh your ass off as much as you possibly can. All joking aside, my favorite part of my relationship is the amount of times a day we crack each other up. Nothing is sacred, nothing is too serious, and our ability to chuckle at ourselves and our missteps is probably our greatest strength.
Oh, that and our fondness for the drink.