The First Step is Admitting you Have a Problem.

I called Marvrick out yesterday for his love of Clamato. I simply cannot fathom one who can add clam broth to ANYTHING and make it taste good. Clams are just one of those words that don’t sound good, period.

When you’re cold and sweaty, what are your hands? That’s right. Clammy. Why would you want to add something that means cold and sweaty to your drink and/or food? Clam chowder? Gross. Clam dip? Disgusting. Linguini with clam sauce? Bite me. That’s not food. That’s a little bowl of hate with a bread stick.

So I was sitting at jr.’s basketball practice last night, when I get this picture text:

Baby! Look what I just found in my pantry! Are you so excited? I'll make them for you the next time you come over. Maybe we can have breakfast in bed tomorrow! That would be romantical.

I fire back to him that I am very obviously going to have to do a sweep of his pantry, because I cannot risk him deciding to go off, half-cocked willy nilly, making things with clams.

He then volleys backs with this:

Wow. You really do need to do a sweep of my pantry. I can make my Clamato juice from scratch and then put chunks of floating clams in my ceaser. fantastical!

Wow. You really do need to do a sweep of my pantry. I can make my clamato juice from scratch and then put chunks of floating clams in my Caesar. fantastical!

Holy jesus in a white chocolate reduction sauce. This is absolutely unacceptable. Just knowing that there is clam broth in his Caesar is bad enough. Seeing CHUNKS OF CLAM IN HIS DRINK? Egads! What if he got some in his teeth? What if, in the process of kissing him, a small particle of clam got in my mouth? I can’t risk this.

It just so happens that after jr’s basketball game, after I get his clam texts, or clexts, as I now call them, I get home and settle in to watch Hoarders for the first time. If you haven’t seen this program yet, it is an hour long nightmare in which A&E tries to help two compulsive hoarders before their lives fall apart and/or they die.

I watched back to back episodes. One had a family with small children who’s house got so bad, and so infested with bed bugs, that they had been living in their back yard, in tents, for two months. One had a woman who had not had running water for two years. She used adult diapers to make up for the lack of a toilet, and she kept all of the adult diapers. In her house. Two years worth of them. There was a pile in the bathroom six-feet deep. A pile so putrid, so foul, that it ate a hole through the floor of her bathroom.

As I am sitting there watching this, something inside my head clicked. Wait a minute. A hoarder is someone who holds onto things that are putrid and disgusting, for no reason, just because they mentally can’t let them go. Hoarders don’t care who they hurt, they don’t even know they are hurting someone, they just want their stuff. There is no reason for it. It’s a mental illness.

Then I looked down in horror at my phone.  I thought of my clexts.

Holy shit, ya’ll. Mavrick’s a hoarder. I’m calling A&E.

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8 Comments

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8 responses to “The First Step is Admitting you Have a Problem.

  1. So funny…

    I sent your link from the last 2 posts to a friend in Canada, who, when she came to visit last summer, asked for one of those Caesars at the bar we were at in Baltimore. The bartender had no idea what it was. And after hearing what it was, I was relieved, myself.

  2. Starsky

    Hoarders is one of my ‘must-TIVO’ shows. I watch it every week!

    And I hate those damn Ceasars! I remember having to try and sell/make these at Philthy’s!

  3. The word “clam” is enough to make me puke in my mouth. A whole post about clams is enough to spew puke all over my office. BLECH. BLECH. BLECH.

  4. I googled whether there are real clams in clamato and got this answer:

    “Clam broth is added to tomato juice. Clam Broth is made when you take a bunch of clams and boil them in a pot of water. The boiling removes the oil from the clam and it mixes with the water. Think of it like a clam tea. Anyway that then is added to the tomato juice so yes it is real clams.”

    Clam tea. Clam oil and water.

    If I were you, I’d invest in Listerine. Lots and lots of Listerine.

  5. the aphrodisiac power of
    clams

    In 2005, a study by a group of Italian and American scientists released the findings that amino acids found in bivalves, (oysters, mussels and scallops included), has the potential to raise sexual hormone levels. (The study was conducted on a Mediterranean species of mussels and demonstrated that these aminos, D-aspartic acid and N-methyl-D-aspartic acid, induced sexual hormone production in rats.) No follow-up studies measured the impact on humans, but the news was certainly encouraging to seafood lovers the world over!

    Even before modern science intervened on the behalf of bivalves, clams were held in high regard as an aphrodisiac some say because their plump flesh is reminiscent in appearance to testicles. Suggestive, yes, but appetizing? Maybe not.

    Clamato, a rather strange combination of clam and vegetable juice is considered an underground aphrodisiac in Hispanic American culture. Although it benefits from the addition of lycopine, Clamato certainly does not reap the nutritional benefits of fresh clams scooped straight from the shell.

    A single serving of clams provides more than 100% of the daily allowance for iron. They are also a lean source of protein, excellent for sustained energy.

  6. lauren_hbg

    Hoarders is one of those shows, where you really don’t like to watch, but it’s like it’s so horrible you watch it anyways, and then you feel normal.

    I’ve pretty much seen every episode, another one that’s really heart-wrenching is the one with the older couple who had like 124 cats living in their garage. It was sad…

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