Hi All! Wormy here….I would like to re-introduce you to Hot Mama. She wrote a bunch of funny mommy/wifey blogs on Mindbling and we are so happy to have her here as one of our Bitches! Enjoy!
Hot Mama’s Domestic Tip for the Day: To all you moms potty training
out there, here is my advice to you…throw the poopy underwear away.
You can go to Target and get another 8 pair for 6 dollars. It will
eliminate you needing to choke back your own vomit while you try to
scrub the stain out. That’s worth 6 dollars to me…
Speaking of poop, what is with all of the colon cleansing hype all of
a sudden? Watching tv, I see a commercial with four or five sexy women
in skimpy white outfits, all playing with multi colored scarves. I
think to myself…is this a gum commercial? Lotion or body wash? It
seems so nice and…HOLY SHIT…it’s a benefiber commercial? Benefiber? !?
Apparently, this ain’t your grandma’s Metamucil, people…this is
colorless, tasteless…and promises to make you beautiful from the
inside out. Damn, if I can look as sexy in white as the Benefiber
Bitches…(Benebitches I begin to refer to them as) well then, where do
I sign up?
Fast forward to Rite Aid. Apparently, cleansing is the new pink. In
the row with the diet aids is a veritable smorgasbord of cleansing
aids…pills, packets, drinks, and powders. Whats a girl to do? I am
looking for weight loss here so lets see …I need a quick fix cause God
knows, that’s the answer, right? Benefiber, forget you, you take too
long to work and I will get bored with you in three days. Slimquick 7
Day Cleanse? You look like my ticket to health and beauty! Slimquick 7 Day
Cleanse promises to ‘jumpstart weightloss’ and promises to do it
‘gently’. It also includes my eating plan for the next 7 days and a
diet to follow after, when I am apparently supposed to start my
Slimquick Capsules to further my weightloss. (I begin to get the
feeling that Slimquick does not care about my cleansing or weightloss,
and it may all just be a ploy to get my money…but then I remember how
much I like their little cartoon lady commercial…you know the one
where the cartoon man gets thin and the cartoon lady’s boobs shrink?
Yeah. I am easily marketed, what can I say…) Ok, so not only is the
seven day cleanse quick, but it is only 11 dollars. SOLD!!
Instructions say to take 4 capsules before lunch and 4 before bed.
Seems easy enough; and then just wait to be cleansed. Cleansed. It is
such a pretty word, isn’t it? Almost seems like one who is cleansed
should have a glowing, golden aura around them…a shining ray of
sunshine, a magical waterfall…you catch my drift. Fresh. Clean.
Cleanse. Almost makes you forget what a seven day cleanse is really
for and what it is supposed to make you do.
Day one of cleanse…nothing. Day two…nothing again. Day three, I wake
up and have to go to the bathroom. Ok, done and done. Is that it? I
really don’t feel cleansed…I mean, I definitely cannot pull off the
skimpy white Benebitch outfit at this point. Sigh. So I grab my coffee
and head out the door to take my eldest to school…I have a lot of
stuff to do today and not a lot of time in which to do it. Kiss kiss,
see ya later kid and OH MY JESUS HOLY CHRIST IN HEAVEN ABOVE, TELEPORT ME BACK HOME IMMEDIATELY!!!!!! It hits me all at once! I am in a
panic, hands are shaking, and I am simultaneously honking my horn and
wiping sweat off of my forehead. Home home home…get me there get me
there getmethereNOWGODDAMNIT! I pull in front of my house, Fast and
the Furious style. Do I have time to get my youngest out of his
carseat? No…damnit, I cannot just leave him outside. Grrrr. Neighbors,
please do not talk to me…don’t even LOOK at me. Arghhhhhhh!!! CURSE
YOU, 7DAY CLEANSE!!
Yes, I made it to the bathroom…I will spare you the gory details on
that…but I will tell you, I immerged 2 hours later 6 pounds lighter
and on the verge of fainting and most likely needing intravenous
fluids. I did not complete the 7 days because I really did not see the
point. Self torture just isn‘t my bag, baby. I have given up my
dreams of ever looking hot in a white Benebitch outfit, but lets be
honest people…if you are cleansing yourself that much, should you
really be wearing white anyway? Think about it.