Ask The Bitches!

This shit ain't free.

Welcome to our new feature, Ask The Bitches! We figure since we have pretty much seen everything, lived through everything, and know everything, nobody is better qualified than us to address your most pressing issues. Have something on your mind? Let us know at askbburgh@gmail.com.  We promise to keep your identity private. To the readers. The three of us will know who you are and probably laugh at you at a little bit behind your back, but no one else will know. This is a safe space.

Dear Bitches,

How do I overcome the bitterness of all things wedding related? And baby showers. Well, not the bitterness of baby showers, I just hate them.

Bitter In Pittsburgh

Dear BIP,

Oh I know about hating baby showers. And wedding showers. I am of the mind that really, all you want are the presents, so can’t we just skip the broiled chicken and ice tea, the ‘smell the diaper’ game, the mother loving bow hat, and just send your Bed, Bath, and Beyond purchase directly to your house?

Actually, just thinking about the bow hat is making me stabby. Hold on. I need some wine.

And I’m back. Okay. Full disclosure: I had a baby shower when I was pregnant with jr. And here is how it went. Within five minutes of entering the banquet room, my intrepid friends discovered that the beer tap behind the empty bar was on. Within 30 minutes, they had devised a drinking game where every time someone said ‘baby’, you had to chug. Within an hour, the main bar opened, and my entire shower was downing shots, playing the juke box, and challenging brunch guests to games of Asshole. Best.Shower.Ever.

No one made me wear a bow hat, and not one diaper had to be sniffed. In all honesty, I think that wedding showers and baby showers are the primary reason women still make less money than men. Any gender that purposely engages in shower-like activities is destined to never be taken seriously.

So I advise you to not get over your bitterness, just don’t go. They don’t care if you are there are not. If you don’t go, you are actually saving them the cost of a meal. Just send your regrets and a present. It’s a win/win!

Weddings are a little bit different. As much as I have no desire to HAVE one, I actually enjoy going to them. I love watching two people spend tens of thousands of dollars to profess their undying love in front of the world, when I know, and everyone else there knows, they really only have a 45% chance of making it, but hey, open bar, so, whatever!

There are only a few things that make me stabby at weddings, and that is the Chicken Dance, the Electric Slide, the Macarena, any sort of Polka, and the tossing of the bouquet. Nothing make me stabbier than the sight of grown women tossing elbows and tripping Aunt Betty to be THE ONE THAT CATCHES THE BOUQUET! As if they might somehow be ordained the next person to waste their life savings on the run-up to divorce numero uno.

So when the above mentioned events occur, I step outside for a smoke. My advice on this one – enjoy the open bar, and start smoking.

BIP, I hope this helped you. Some might say my advice is jaded, cynical even, to which I would say – yes. Yes it is. So what? Pour some merlot, and cheers to yourself, BIP. May you get through this life without ever having to wear a bow hat .

MB

Advertisements

9 Comments

Filed under Uncategorized

9 responses to “Ask The Bitches!

  1. This proves that anything (baby showers, weddings, tax audits, prostate exams, etc) goes better with alcohol!

    Wait, prostate exams? I may be in the wrong bar.

  2. I also refuse to participate in any dance that had directions. Or commands… it’s like Dancing for Those Who Have Lost the Will to Live.

  3. lauren_hbg

    I’m getting married in June – while this has nothing to do with the actual wedding, I’m going to tell you what I told my maid of honor in regards to my wedding shower.

    – I don’t want a surprise party. The bride always finds out anyways – who seriously isn’t expecting it?
    – It needs to be somewhere where we can drink, and have the possibility of being outisde.
    – I don’t need any games whatsoever. No one likes them, why do people continue to play them.
    – There needs to be a ton of food.
    – It needs to be cheap, none of my bridesmaids/family have a lot of money, so I don’t need them to spend it on three hours worth of game-playing nonsense.
    – Tell the guests not to bother wrapping their gifts they bring me. That’ll save at least an hour of good drinking/eating time.

    It was then decided we’re having it at my house, where it’s free, we can bring our own booze in, and my gifts need not be transported, just take them upstairs to the spare bedroom please. 🙂

    • Lauren,
      I like the way you think! Good luck on your upcoming nuptials.
      May you be in the upper 45%.

      mb-

      • lauren_hbg

        Thanks – may I also add, the reception is being held at a brewery. Not your typical fancy schmancy hotel wedding with a swan ice sculpture.

        No offense to anyone who had one of these, just not my thing. 🙂

  4. meggiemeggiepoo

    I hate them all. I just don’t go. I do not expect ppl to spend money they don’t have on me. Sure a toast, a small gift just to show they care is nice. But they games, the money, the expensive gifts for what?

  5. My FIL’s family, because they fear me, had a baby shower, but it was essentially, “Here, have a gift.” Seriously. We sat in a room, they handed me gifts, no games were played, and everyone got to live. And THAT is how I know I married into the right family.

  6. Starsky

    My baby shower was great!

    I invited both men & women and had no games. It was outside in my parents backyard with a swimming pool. We pre-gamed the night before with a bonfire and lots of alcohol (well, none for me). The day of…some came early…even my Aunt bearing a un-opened bottle of Crown Royal from like 1964 or something. She had googled it and it was only worth $100, so what else is there to do with it? Drink the entire thing before the shower starts!

    My parents, babby daddy, grandpa, and aunt did just that. Drank it BEFORE the shower even started. Combine this with tons of food, jello shots and beer and you have for a grand ol time. Followed but what else, another bonfire.

    I cannot stand those girly, stuffy, play games and act all innocent baby showers.

  7. I recently came across your blog and have been reading along. I thought I would leave my first comment. I don’t know what to say except that I have enjoyed reading. Nice blog. I will keep visiting this blog very often.

    Alena

    http://onlinemariogames.net

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s