Ask The Bitches – What’s That Smell?

Dear Bitches,

I often find myself frequenting the fine bars of Dormont, many of which are non smoking. Being a devout drinker/smoker, I usually avoid the non smoking bars and end up at good old Slapshots. What is the best way to remove the slappy-smell that seeps into my hair, pores and clothes without returning home to shower? I was thinking of some sort of portable steam cleaning device but that would ruin my hair, which of course is not an option.

Thanks in advance for your help!

Muddy

Dear Muddy,

I too have had the Slappy smell of cheap booze and cigarettes on me after a fine night cruising Dormont, so I know what you’re talking about.  The best way to get that smell off of you is to hook up with some random dude, go back to his place and his bed and rub it all over him.  <Never bring them back to your place.  You don’t want that stench on your sheets!> If you pay attention you will see these type of hook ups all over Dormont.  Its like a mating call.  Hell, if you nab him in Slappy’s all the better….he will smell the same as you and nobody is offended.

It might be a good idea to pre-plan your walk of shame. You might consider having a robe right inside your front door so you can strip off outside and leave those clothes for the homeless or rabid raccoons or better yet pack a small bag and change before heading out of his place.  Leave your evening wear for him to deal with.  It will give him an excuse to see you again if he wants to return it and it’s a good way to keep you on his mind.

Once home, all you really have to do is shower away your shame and regret and what’s left of your pride. The putrid Slappy’s smell goes right along with it. <Poof!> All gone!  Aaahhh…the smell of lavender soap makes it all better. But make sure to use a loofa and maybe a light acid like an alpha hydroxy with your soap cause that remorse shit is hard to scrub off.  Now getting the mouth funk out is a whole other story.  Good luck with that.

Back at his place, your scent will linger for days, maybe weeks, as we all know men don’t wash the bed sheets very often, and you will constantly be on his mind every time he whiffs the boudoir. Plus, if he brings home another chick she will smell it immediately and know you were there first.  So really it’s a win/win.  My guess is he will be hunting you down every weekend because he just can’t seem to get you out of his mind.

Hope this helps and we’ll see you at Slaps!

Wormy

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2 Comments

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2 responses to “Ask The Bitches – What’s That Smell?

  1. Goose

    Um, Um, I’m free for someones walk of shame.

  2. Bob

    The chick has cans.

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