Reflections of a Mad Woman

I have had a lot of time on my hands the last week and a half due to the fact that E-man has still been recovering from his surgery. That, and it has been freezing outside. Oh, and I develop some type of seasonal agoraphobia this time of year. It makes me a crazy person. Seriously. I threw a laundry basket across the room just this morning because the clothes had ceased to fold themselves. Sigh.

Anyway, having all of this time at home has caused me to have some reflections of which I will share with you. I like the word ‘reflections’ better then say…‘psychotic delusions’ which is probably more what would be going through ones brain when one has been stuck in the house with no adult interaction for ten days.

First thing: People spend wayyy too much time on Facebook. I felt myself slipping into this role during the past week when I began wondering what my high school boyfriends were up to now (90% of them are still the same ridiculous, pot headed losers that my parents always hated, 8% are married with kids of their own, 1% are gay and 1% are dead. I know it’s sad, but true.) Once I started, I could not stop. I felt ashamed of myself, in a very creepy, skeevy, dirty way…sort of the way I feel about the fact that I have a shirtless, sexy picture of Taylor Lautner as the background on my phone. So, in an effort to stop my ex boyfriend stalking, I just started stalking people that I know and associate with regularly. I got into a heated Facebook status debate about my love for Barack Obama. I began putting my Gmail status to ‘offline’, and then surprised Wormy ten times a day with instant messages while she was at work. I began text messaging my mother. I began peeking out my windows, waiting for one of my neighbors to appear so I could accost them. Stalking of my friends and family did not give me the gratifying feeling that I was hoping for. So I turned to daytime television which leads me to…

Second thing: Daytime tv is a joke. How many times should a person have to hear “You are NOT the father!” before the network realizes enough is enough? How many times does Meredith Viera have to throw herself at Matt Lauer before he will decide to just take her in the green room and give her a good go of it? How many times can Dr. Phil possibly say, “How’s that working for you?” Well, gee Dr. Phil, it must not be working too fucking well if I am here on your show, airing my dirty laundry to the entire nation. I used to hate commercials, but I am starting to realize that sometimes, the commercials are better then the actual show which leads me to…

Third thing: I find certain things very unconventionally sexy. For instance the guys. Something about their catchy lyrics, their scrubby-rolled-out-of-bed-and-looked-this-happy appearance, and their ability to make my kid Smiley get up and dance on the coffee table kinda rings my bell. I like them. I would totally download them to my ipod. I don’t even care if they sing about bad credit…I’d let them look at my score any day *wink, wink*.

Also, the Old Spice half horse, half man. I am sorry, but that is one sexy mythological creature. I don’t even care if anything thinks that is sick and weird…I like a man who is two things at once. I asked Hot Papa if he thinks that I am weird for having fantasies about the Old Spice centaur (yes, we are secure enough in our marriage that we feel comfortable enough to share strange fantasies with each other), and he said…yes. He thinks that is totally bizarre. Whatever. He has been gone so much lately that I thinks it’s perfectly natural that I would start to allow my mind to wander to things like shaggy haired jingle singers and partially human men. Which leads me to…

Fourth thing: Ten days is a loooooong time. I need to get out of my house. I need a date with my husband. I need to see my friends. I need to take off my sweatpants. I need to put on some makeup, perfume, and a low cut shirt and find someplace to have a few drinks…possibly dance around and make a bit of a fool of myself. Not a complete fool, just a little bit. So, lucky for me, my 14 year old brother, Drummer is coming tonight to baby-sit so Hot Papa and I can paint the town red. Thank God! One more day of this and I was going to be committed…or jailed for stalking.



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5 responses to “Reflections of a Mad Woman

  1. Wow. The credit report guys, huh? Well then, here’s some Internet porn for you: Eric Violette’s Website

    So, did you have lingering fantasies about Mr. Tumnus after “Narnia”? I was totally creeped out by this scruffy, British shirtless guy talking to a little girl.

    • Hot Mama

      Ohh la la…a musician, a writer, and he does shiatsu massage?!?! *swoon*…maybe he is the one I need to be stalking!

      No, Mr. Tumnus totally freaks me out as well…I don’t like his creepy donkey ears. The only centaur I am digging is the Old Spice one…I do wonder how I would actually feel about him if he were all human…probably would not be the same. (Talk about desperate housewife lol!)

  2. Jeanabean

    I wish I was theren the night you painted the town red, but instead you were here with me when my pants were painted brown…

  3. Linda

    Just want to say that the reality is that waaaayyy more than 1% of your old boyfriends are now gay. I’m gonna go with, oh say, 15%? We good with that? That doesn’t necessarily lessen your other percentages; being gay and being a pothead loser that your parents hated are not mutually exclusive categories. Also, this might be cruel, but is it too much to hope that the 1% dead guys might have come out of that 90% of pothead losers also? Please tell me there’s a chance that the car horn beeper is in that elite group!

    • Hot Mama

      OMG, that is my mother commenting on here! Hi mom! Sorry to tell you that ‘Beeper’ was not worth looking up on Facebook…also, I do not remember his last name. So, there is a chance that he could, in fact, be dead. And you need an alias mom! You can’t just comment with your real name, silly girl. I have a few in mind…we’ll talk later. xoxo

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