Sweet baby jesus dipped in cherry Slushie, people. This is Pittsburgh. In the North East. It snows. Granted, it doesn’t normally snow this much in this short period of time, with more on the way tomorrow, but it does snow.
I, personally, believe that blizzards can be fun. Sure, they can be dangerous, and you need to be prepared, reduce travel, and check on your elderly neighbors, but with the right mind set and enough booze, you can turn a blizzard of snow into a blizzard of FUN! Just follow my handy-dandy tips, and wait for the LOLZ!
1.) Don’t lose power. This can be a toughie, and beyond your control, so understandably, you may lose power regardless of me telling you not to. If this does happen, I suggest safely getting somewhere that does have power. I further suggest that place be a bar that serves food.
2.) Remove all small children from the home before the snow hits. This is essential. If you know a storm is coming, you have a limited period of time to pawn them off on grandparents, friend’s parents, a well-meaning neighbor that lives juuuust far enough that you can’t drive there safely, you get the idea.
3.) Remove all large children from the house. Basically, if they are under 21, get them out of there. If you don’t get them out of there before the snow hits, I recommend bundling them up, giving them a thermos of hot cocoa, sending them out to go sled riding, and locking the door behind them. Older children are resourceful! You will be amazed at their survival skills. And far from this being bad parenting, you are actually equipping your large children with the skills they need to succeed at this thing I call life.
4.) Screw milk, bread, and TP, all you really need is booze, smokes, and Hot Pockets. Even if you don’t smoke, you should really have some, in case one of your snowed-in neighbors smokes. Do you really go through THAT much bread and milk when it’s not snowing? Probably not. Stock up on the things you REALLY use in your day-to-day life. And for god’s sake, stay lubricated! If you are drunk enough, you won’t mind wiping your ass with old New Yorker magazines.
5.) Have lots of sex. This is really advice for any old day, but nothing beats drunken blizzard sex. I am sure there will be a plethora of November births, giving our blizzard-happy media yet one more storm-angle story to pound to death. So, go for it! Pour some wine, get naked, and stay warm in the process. Body heat, people. This may be a very handy tip if you do not heed my number one tip and actually lose your power. Plus, bonus, we all look better in the dark. And feel like we look better naked when we’re drunk. This one is really a win all the way around. (Side note! I’m a blizzard baby. My parents got snowed in at Deep Creek back in December of 1974. 9 months later, the world got bling. You’re welcome)
6.) If you are snowed in with multiple people, have a ‘safe space’. Look, I don’t care how much you love your husband, how much you like your roommate, or how cool your parents are. Being stuck indoors with people for any period of time is scientifically proven to drive people banana cakes. This is why there are such stringent tests for serving on a submarine. Most normal people just can’t deal. Pick a room. If you smash your stemless wine glass against a wall, mutter incoherently, grab a New Yorker, and head for that room, that means people need to leave you alone. Set the rules early, and by all means, obey them.
7.) Turn the local news into a drinking game. This is another tip that can be fun whenever, but takes on a whole new dimension when there is a crisis. I first discovered this game during the Gulf War. We would all have to chug Mad Dog every time they said ‘Scud’. Pick some of your favorite words (I suggest blizzard, Doppler, and Mayor Ravenstahl), grab a big ol’ glass, and let the games begin!
8.) Play a little game I like to call ‘How about this snow?’. It’s easy and fun. You just wait until some of your neighbors start to venture out to shovel. You just grab your shovel, walk up and down, and say to each of them, ‘How about this snow?’. While you are there, shovel a time or two. Then move on. It will give your neighbors the impression that you give a shit. They will all be impressed with how much you care, and maybe they will finally forgive you for the great Cinco De Mayo Party Debacle of 2008.
9.) Pretend you are a Pioneer! This is what I do when things get what I like to refer to as Post-1900. No power? No TP? Let’s pretend we are pioneers! I last got to play this fun game during the blizzard of 1993. You can easily make a bonnet out of a men’s white t-shirt, and some of my more resourceful readers can probably figure out a way to fashion a Conestoga wagon out of bed sheets and a rocking chair. Build an outhouse from snow and your neighbors flower pots! Do it! Indulge your inner boy/girl scout, and party like it’s 1899.
10.) Move South. While this may sound extreme, if you can’t deal with the snow, I highly recommend this. If you are going to snivel and whine every time we get a flurry, please, do us all a favor and go. It takes a certain type of person to embrace our crazy weather and make the best of it. You very well may not be one of these people. Be honest with yourself. We won’t judge you. Just grab your snow shovel and start walking. When people start asking you what that is over your shoulder, toss it down and move on in. You’ve found home.
Now just have fun, kiddies! It’s not everyday that we get to come together as a city. We got three things that always have the true spirit of the city shining like a golden beacon: Super Bowls, Stanley Cups, and Snowstorms. It’s a Burgh thing.