So. I spent my Valentine’s Day weekend in Lexington, Kentucky, playing a little game I like to call Charming the Shit Out of His Parents, Especially His Mom, Cause Moms Love Me.
His mother, Holy Toledo, (thusly named because that’s where she’s from, and that’s what she is) and I had shared a few emails, but hadn’t actually met in person yet, and I was looking forward to it. Spending some quality time, drinking fine Kentucky wine, hearing all the dirt on young Mavrick, and seeing some compromising baby pictures. I was further more reeaaalllllyy looking forward to her seeing the giant herpes cold sore that had erupted on my face the day before we left. It was big. It was nasty. It entered a room five minutes before I did. It couldn’t wait to see her. I named it Phil.
I was also hoping to meet Mavrick’s stepdad, Nomad, but alas, this was not to be the case, as he was in Austria for work (thus the name – he travels. A lot). He is the last remaining Mavrick parent for me to meet, although I did get to speak to him on the phone. I will get to that in a minute.
First of all, I am happy to report that I absolutely love Holy Toledo. She is just the sweetest, warmest, most welcoming soul. It’s rare that you truly feel welcome and comfortable in a relative stranger’s house. Especially when you are travelling with three large dogs that shed and fart. But she managed to do it. There was not a moment of tension, and I really did feel like I was at home. This explains all the sex Mavrick and I had. But I will get to that in a minute, too.
I am sort of glad they live in Kentucky, because if I lived close to Holy Toledo, I would weigh a billion pounds. When we arrived Friday night, and I shit you not, she had a handwritten menu on the counter top, and an array of munchies spread out across the counter, like the road to heaven. There was feta cheese spread, beer cheese spread, home made salsa, cocktail meatballs, dark chocolate, grapes, wine, beer, and of course, Kentucky Bourbon Balls, both store bought and home made, as far as the eye could see.
I literally ate my face off the entire trip (this may have been my vain attepmt at ridding myself of my facial herpes). There was never a shortage of food. If, god forbid, I walked into the kitchen and there wasn’t something set out, Holy Toledo would hop to and within 60 seconds some calorific masterpiece would land in front of me. She has very obviously set the culinary bar for Mavrick much too high for my liking. Since he has forbidden me to make him anything with ‘Helper’ on the box, he is just going to starve to death.
Second of all, I would like to report that Mavrick is officially one up on me now in the ol’ In Your Face meter. Because I am not a Valentine’s Day person (here is my post on that from last year), I was happy to be traveling and not under pressure to do something, buy something, wear a matching bra and panties, wait for flowers, etc. I happily grabbed on to the “We Are Going To Be At Your Parent’s” excuse to not do anything for Valentine’s Day.
I am getting out of the shower Sunday, and Mavrick walks into the room, card and candy in hand. NO FAIR, HE CHEATED! I did not get him a card. And I certainly didn’t get him candy. I did the next best thing, though. Dropped my towel and give him Valentine’s Day sex. Actually, this may be the first best thing. Yep. It definitely is.
Which leads me to the point of all of this. What is the proper etiquette for having sex at your significant other’s parents’ house? Most of my exes had Pittsburgh-based parents, so this was never an issue. Now, I have two out of town sets (the dad and stepmom live in Ohio. I met them when they came here, so, I haven’t had the chance to bang at their house. Yet.)
I sort of can’t help it; I always want sex more when I think I can’t have it. So, being in the parents house sort of had me in a constant state of horny teenager. Also, there is the thrill of doing it somewhere new. Because we all know nothing spices up the sex life more than a different comforter set underneath you.
So, it’s like, you really want to, but is it rude? I have decided that as long as you keep it down, don’t break the sink, don’t use messy oils or lubes, and put your own linens in the wash, then yes, it is okay. Also, no butt plugs. Not on the first trip.
Now, going back to my phone conversation I had with Nomad. He calls in from Austria. Holy Toledo talks to him. Mavrick talks to him. Then hands me the phone, because Nomad wants to talk to me.
Nomad: “I am so sorry I am not there to meet you. I really wish I could have been. But I did want to let you know, I am a huge fan of your writing. I just love your blog. It is so fresh, so honest …”
Me: THUMP *slides out of chair and onto floor, taking a plate of Bourbon Balls and a bowl of salsa out in the process*
Nomad: “Hello? Are you there? Bling??”
Back in the day, Mavrick sent his mom the link to our skydiving post, so she could see my skydiving video. And when he did it, I was all, “Your mom is going to go back and read the blog and see that we have sex and that I swear, and that we both drink too much, and this is just a no.”, and Mavrick was all, “My mother is not tech savvy enough to figure that out.”, which, turns out, he was right.
His stepdad, who also saw the skydiving video, IS. So, welcome our new reader, Nomad, who knows WAAAAAAY too much about me. Sorry about your sheets! Also, don’t shake that upstairs bathroom sink too hard.