What makes you care about world events? Is your curiosity fueled by politics? Empathy? A desire to gain knowledge? The ability to win trivia games on the Megatouch at the bar? I, for instance, watch the news in the morning as an excuse to turn off the show ‘Martha Speaks’. My kids love it and it annoys me. Sorry, but it does. So every morning I say, “Welp, it’s mommy’s turn to watch the news. Gotta turn off ‘Martha Speaks’ for a few minutes.” I turn on the news long enough for ‘Martha Speaks’ to end and for ‘Curious George’ to begin. The news annoys my kids, so they go play and I get a few minutes to bring the caffeine level in my blood up to a point where I am not going through withdraw. I have a problem. Don’t judge me.
Hot Papa is not fueled by ANY of the above reasons. He gets his news from me. It’s not that he doesn’t care, he just has more important things to watch…like ‘1000 Ways to Die’…that’s a favorite. Or ‘Kitchen Impossible!’…another must see. There are also certain movies that he is sort of OCD about…if they come on tv, he HAS to watch them. ‘The Day After Tomorrow’ is one. So is ‘Undercover Brother.’ And anything with Eddie Murphy, The Wayans Brothers, or Adam Sandler. So not a lot of time for news. I try to keep him up to date. But it is exhausting. Much like when MB tried to explain something about that thing called Physics to Wormy and I…it’s a little bit pointless. Here is what usually happens when I try to keep Hot Papa abreast of world events:
HM “Hot Papa? Did you hear about that kidnapping case? It is SOOOOO scary! The little kid just dis-ka-peared on his way home from school, and…Hot Papa? What the hell are you doing? How are you going to walk outside and smoke a cig? I was talking to you!”
HP “Huh? Were you talking to me? Whoa. I just hallucinated. Were you telling me what we are having for dinner? Cause I’m starving.”
Sigh. Whatevs, at least I try.
Last week, I was at a meeting for E-Man’s school. After that was over, I stopped by my mom’s and weaseled my way to her dinner table. SCORE! I came home after American Idol to find HP staring at the laptop. HP is not a computer person…he doesn’t even have a FACEBOOK for God sake. He still has a MySpace. Who does Myspace anymore? He doesn’t twitter, he doesn’t IM, and he only checks his email about once a month. ‘What are you looking at?’ I say, curious. ‘Oh, just the news.’ Whoa. My turn to hallucinate. ‘The news? What do you mean the news?’ We both make a grab for the laptop, but I get to it first. He wasn’t lying. It was the news alright…Naked News to be precise! A beautiful, blonde, big breasted woman is standing there butt naked, talking about the earthquake in Haiti. Yes, it was REAL news.
Much like a train wreck, I cannot pull myself away…story after story pours out in front of me. These chicks actually SOUND like real newscasters…close your eyes, and it could easily be Sally Wiggin. Ok, maybe not Sally Wiggin, she sounds kinda old. But it could totally be Tamika Artist. I gotta give them credit, not only are they reading a teleprompter…they are standing there taking their clothes off gracefully while they do it…in six inch heels, no less. That’s talent, you can’t deny. HP starts spouting off the headlines that I had missed while watching American Idol at my mom’s. He sounds like he knows what he is talking about. He actually paid attention. He says to me, “I think that Naked News will make me much more world aware, just like you want me to be, my darling Hot Mama! This is perfect! The only drawback is that this is just a 3 day trial. I had to use the debit card. If I don’t cancel it in three days, we will be charged $9.95 a month. Plus tax. But it’s so worth it, don’t you think? It’s sooooooo informative.” I sit. I think. I decide.
And my decision is…do not come to my house or call between the hours of 9 and 10 PM nightly. I will be reporting the news to HP, in six inch heels and a smile.