Ask The Bitches!

Hey-o. Mindbling here. Time for another exciting installment of Ask The Bitches! Don’t forget, we are here to help you as you struggle with your life issues. Don’t be afraid to ask us a question. Just shoot us an email at askbburgh@gmail.com. We look forward to your problems!

Dear Bitches,

Hypothetically, let’s say you need to have a conversation with someone, but you are too chicken shit to bring it up. What’s the best way to get this over with – dance around the subject until you blurt it out awkwardly at a bar, or start with the four scariest words in the English language: “We need to talk.”

Love,

An idiot.

Dear Idiot,

That is a fantastical question. And there are many answers. What it boils down to is why you need to have this hypothetical conversation.  Is this a friend who borrowed money and hasn’t paid you back yet? Is this a family member who repeatedly gets you festive holiday sweaters for Christmas?

OR, is this man-related? If it’s man-related, and I have a feeling that it is, well, that’s a horse of a different color. I am actually not 100% sure what that saying means, but I really like horses, so let’s go with it.

Men hate talking about ‘things’. That is a fact. They go to great lengths to avoid talking. They have built monuments to silence and written epic poems extolling the virtues of not talking. If it were up to men, the only people in the world who would have to talk would be sportscasters and … that’s it, really. Just sportscasters.

And guys know when you want to talk, too. They can sense a talk coming a mile away. They go to great lengths to avoid a talk. In prehistoric times, a cave woman grunted that she wanted to talk. In a panic, the cave man ran off to the watering hole, and came across another cave man avoiding his old cave lady. They grunted at each other in appreciation, scooped some water into a monkey skull, rolled their eyes in derision, and viola! The first bar was born.

And they know there is no place safe from talk. We can get them any way, any time, any place. EXCEPT.

During sex. Work with me here. They know they aren’t safe pre-sex. Foreplay action can easily end when a doe-eyed lady looking up at him, lips wet with anticipation, utters that boner-killing phrase: Honey, we need to talk. And they know FOR SURE post-sex is littered with the corpses of men forced to talk after noticing their post-orgasmic partner crying, and had the stupidity to ask, Honey, what’s wrong?

But during sex, well, during sex, dear Idiot, they are thinking no such thing. I have never had the opportunity to be in a male brain during sex, but I imagine it goes something like this: Woooohowdy. I’m in a gina. A v-a-g-i-n-a. Yes. Yes. Yes. YES. Uh oh. NO. Postage Stamps. Look at her tits. NO. Look at the lamp. VAGINA. YES!

Or something like that. Regardless, as you can see, there is no wondering if you are actually laying a talk-trap for him to fall into. That’s why during sex, mid-thrust, smack in the middle of the whoseywhatsey, you stop. You pull away. You say, Let’s Talk.

This method has the added bonus of almost ensuring that the conversation goes your way, because they are very anxious to get their penis back into your vagina, and will agree with almost anything. Rarely, very rarely, this method backfires against you. If it does, I advise you to shut them up with a kiss, and resume relations. It will blow over.

Now, if this talk that you need to have is with someone you aren’t having sex with, but want to have sex with, please wait. Do not attempt the mid-sex chat on a first time. That’s just cruel. If the person you need to have the chat with is a friend and/or family member that you don’t plan on sleeping with, we can resort to my plan B:

Mindbling’s recipe for Talking to People About Awkward Stuff

4 shots of Wild Turkey

One Vicodin

Mix together in your mouth. Swallow.

That’s it. That should have you ready to talk to anyone, about anything *. I hope the conversation goes well for you, Idiot. Anyone that is worth your time will listen to you when you speak to them. Never be afraid to speak your heart. Or your mind. Or out of your ass.

Girlz rock.

Xoxo

Mb-

*- This very obviously doesn’t apply to job interview situations or public speaking. If you get nervous about those type of situations, that is a different recipe all together. For the entire Mindbling Recipe Book For This Dish I Call LIFE, send all of your credit card and bank account information to me at askbburgh@gmail.com.

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1 Comment

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One response to “Ask The Bitches!

  1. sunshine

    Love it! I’ve used the talk during mid sex on several occasions…be prepared for the “I don’t remember saying any of that” nonsense. I advise using a tape recorder at this critical moment.
    I also agree with the Wild Turkey and Vicodin…especially if you plan on having a talk with the floor or toilet. Regardless, it makes for a lovely time!
    Good luck.

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