What Can Brown Do For You?

I have an unusual relationship with my UPS driver. We are friendly but not really friends.  He delivers my packages.  He steals my candy.  I crank call his cell phone.  It works for us.

Yesterday, UPS calls.

UPS:  Wormy, can you do me a HUGE favor?  Its not UPS related.

Wormy: Sure <fuck, what is he going to ask me? Water his plants? Walk his dog? Watch his kids?>

UPS:  Call this number, 412-555-1234….and ask for Marsha Smith

Wormy:  Okay….why?  What number is this? Where am I calling?

UPS: I’ll tell you about later…it’s a long story.  Just can you do it?

Wormy: Well yeah, but what do I do if she answers?

UPS: Hang up.

Wormy:  Okaaaayyy….<not liking the sound of this at all>

UPS: Okay, heres the deal….I’ve been divorced for 2 years. <Ok, wait…I’ve worked here for 3 years, he has never mentioned he got divorced and I mean we talk, I see him everyday.  This might be something you toss out in passing> And I’m dating this girl and I think she is cheating on me.  She said she’s at work but I don’t believe her and if I call they will know my voice.  On my whole route YOU are the only person I trust enough to do this for me. <I’m not sure if I’m offended or flattered at this point>

Wormy:  Okay, so where is it I’m calling and what if she’s there…what do I say?  What if they ask my company or what this is in regards to?  WHAT THE FRICK DO I SAY?!?!?!

UPS: It’s a hardware store and if they ask where you’re calling from say PNC Bank.  She gets those calls all the time.  <She must owe someone a lot money> Then if she picks up, hang up.

Wormy: Ok fine…I’ll call you right back.

How the hell did I get caught up in a possible cheating triangle?  I’m sitting at work, minding my own business….I know, I know, I could have told him no.  But then I wouldn’t have anything to write about today.  I did it for the story.

So I call…..I ask for Marsha.  The person on the other end says “Marsha just left for the day.”  I’m all like cool.  I don’t have to hang up on her and she was there so she wasn’t lying to UPS.

I call him back and tell him.  He doesn’t believe it.  I’m like why would I make this up!?!  UPS is like, I know she is cheating, I just know it.  Dude, you have some serious trust issues…maybe that’s why you’re divorced, if you even really are.  Just saying.

~ Wormy

Addendum to the post:  this should have been put up yesterday but while searching for a photo to use I infected my computer with the HIV.  Once Chilla set aside his actual work to focus on me he had it fixed in a jiffy.  But it ended up working in my favor.  Today, UPS came in and we talked about the whole story.  He then tells me he’s been dating Marsha for 2 ½ years….huh, didn’t you say you’ve been divorced for 2 years????  Do the math.



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5 responses to “What Can Brown Do For You?

  1. I’m grateful that my UPS guy just makes small talk about the weather and moves on.

  2. Admit it, you just like to check out his “package.”

  3. I think she’s see someone at FedEx.

    When you absolutely, positively (have to get some) overnight!

  4. Big Dancin' Mama

    Maybe this is why our dogs always hate the UPS guys. . . labs are good judges of character you know. Guess they smell cheatin’!

  5. ha!
    i used to have a UPS guy like that!

    so when you saw him again, did he see her right after when someone at her work had said she just left?

    because if i was her, i would tell whoever answers the phone to say that

    even if i left over an hour ago…

    no wonder he thinks she’s cheating!

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