I have an unusual relationship with my UPS driver. We are friendly but not really friends. He delivers my packages. He steals my candy. I crank call his cell phone. It works for us.
Yesterday, UPS calls.
UPS: Wormy, can you do me a HUGE favor? Its not UPS related.
Wormy: Sure <fuck, what is he going to ask me? Water his plants? Walk his dog? Watch his kids?>
UPS: Call this number, 412-555-1234….and ask for Marsha Smith
Wormy: Okay….why? What number is this? Where am I calling?
UPS: I’ll tell you about later…it’s a long story. Just can you do it?
Wormy: Well yeah, but what do I do if she answers?
UPS: Hang up.
Wormy: Okaaaayyy….<not liking the sound of this at all>
UPS: Okay, heres the deal….I’ve been divorced for 2 years. <Ok, wait…I’ve worked here for 3 years, he has never mentioned he got divorced and I mean we talk, I see him everyday. This might be something you toss out in passing> And I’m dating this girl and I think she is cheating on me. She said she’s at work but I don’t believe her and if I call they will know my voice. On my whole route YOU are the only person I trust enough to do this for me. <I’m not sure if I’m offended or flattered at this point>
Wormy: Okay, so where is it I’m calling and what if she’s there…what do I say? What if they ask my company or what this is in regards to? WHAT THE FRICK DO I SAY?!?!?!
UPS: It’s a hardware store and if they ask where you’re calling from say PNC Bank. She gets those calls all the time. <She must owe someone a lot money> Then if she picks up, hang up.
Wormy: Ok fine…I’ll call you right back.
How the hell did I get caught up in a possible cheating triangle? I’m sitting at work, minding my own business….I know, I know, I could have told him no. But then I wouldn’t have anything to write about today. I did it for the story.
So I call…..I ask for Marsha. The person on the other end says “Marsha just left for the day.” I’m all like cool. I don’t have to hang up on her and she was there so she wasn’t lying to UPS.
I call him back and tell him. He doesn’t believe it. I’m like why would I make this up!?! UPS is like, I know she is cheating, I just know it. Dude, you have some serious trust issues…maybe that’s why you’re divorced, if you even really are. Just saying.
Addendum to the post: this should have been put up yesterday but while searching for a photo to use I infected my computer with the HIV. Once Chilla set aside his actual work to focus on me he had it fixed in a jiffy. But it ended up working in my favor. Today, UPS came in and we talked about the whole story. He then tells me he’s been dating Marsha for 2 ½ years….huh, didn’t you say you’ve been divorced for 2 years???? Do the math.