Mindbling Ponders the Big Issues Part Three: Wherein She Wonders Why Anyone In Their Ever-Loving Mind Would Get Pregnant On Purpose

We have already established that I am not a fan of the being pregnant. Anyone who tells you it is so beautiful and so natural and it’s the spiritual and physical equivalent of having a unicorn land in your yard and poop glitter and rainbows is categorically full of shit.

It fucking sucks. You have to change your entire life, accept the fact that you’re about to get fat, accept the fact that you are about to lose your mind and become a crazy person for the next nine months, possibly the next nine years, and watch your entire life shift and change until the only thing remotely recognizable from your old life are the jeans that lay in the corner of your dirty bedroom, mocking you because they no longer fit and you just don’t know if they ever will again.

I suppose it isn’t all bad. There are a few perks. Such as:

My boobs. They are getting bigger and awesomer. I like to look at them in my bathroom mirror and make Playboy bunny faces. Gotta keep it from the boobs up, though. As soon as that baby bump gets in view, it’s bye bye Playboy Bunny, Hello Peter freaking Rabbit.

Now that I am pregnant, I can’t get pregnant. Mavrick and I can bang with impunity, secure in the knowledge that he cannot knock me up. And we actually have been having a very healthy amount of sex. Turns out, Mavrick has a pregnancy fetish. Which I found odd (although it shames me to admit with my kinky tendencies that I find anything odd) until I started talking to other people with penises. Turns out, pregnancy fetishes are so common, they shouldn’t even be called fetishes. It’s totally normal. Who knew?

And …let’s see. What else is awesome about being pregnant? Let me think about this … hold on … um … nothing. That’s it. Boobies and sex. Which, to be quite honest, are just fine when I’m not pregnant. So I got nothing.

Not drinking? Totally sucks ass. Let me clarify. I am actually fine with not drinking. I can honestly tell you there have only been a handful of times when I actually thought, gee, I wish I could have a drink. What sucks is watching OTHER people drink.

Was I that obnoxious? Did my eyes glass over like that? Did such stupid, stupid, stupid things come out of MY mouth? IS THAT WHAT I LOOK LIKE WHEN I DANCE??

Drunk people are annoying as hell. Even my best friends. Even my beloved Mavrick. Especially my beloved Marvrick. Bless his blackened soul, for the whole first week of my pregnancy, he ordered a soda when we went out. A whole week. That must have been a very hard week for him.

And let’s not even start on the hormones that make me want to kill myself, other people, family pets, neighbors, the guy at Sunoco … I seriously walk around like a homicidal maniac 80% of the time. I swing from sunny optimism, to blackest dread, to surety that I am, in fact, the ugliest person alive, to hysteria, to howling laughter. All in a 30 second time span. It’s exhausting. I truly don’t know how actual crazy people have the strength to get out of bed every day. Good for you, crazy people! Every shower you take is a little victory.

And sometimes, when you add pregnancy hormones and drinking people together, violence can happen. To whit; this is an actual conversation had by Mavrick and me, and I think the fact that I didn’t snap his neck is proof that I do, indeed, love this man:

The scene: At Cain’s, watching the Pens, Caps game.

Mavrick: “Who shot that goal?”

Me: “Lucky number 13! Guerin. Dude is like 41.”

Mav: “I know. He is one of two Pens that are older than me.”

Me: “Really? Who is the other?” (frantically scrambling to think of who it could be before he tells me. Because for some reason, I get unreasonably angry when he knows something I don’t. But I’m pregnant. I get unreasonably angry when he breathes the wrong way.)

Mav: “Fedotanko.” (Triumphant, half drunken smile. HA HA! YES! I knew something Mindbling didn’t! WOO. IN YOUR FACE SMARTY PANTS.)

Me: “No way. He looks so young!”

He does look young. Back me up there. Those Ukranians sure do know how to age.

Mav: “I will have you know I got carded buying a case of beer yesterday. Not ALL of us look our age.”

Me: “Hold up. Are you saying I look old?”

Mav: “No. I’m saying you look your age.”

Me: Eyes well up with tears, lower lips starts to quiver, I immediately feel old, ugly, and unattractive, and the desire to break his neck, Chuck Norris-style, becomes almost unbearable. My night? Ruined. His night? Also ruined. Cause when Mindbling isn’t happy, no one within a fifteen foot radius is going to be happy. (If any of our male readers with children want to step in and explain to him the delicate finesse in which pregnancy hormones must be dealt with, please do. I cannot promise he will live through another such episode.)

 So no, I am not a fan of the being pregnant. Thankfully this is a temporary condition, one that I am very close to being halfway over with. In just a few weeks, I will be 20 weeks pregnant, and starting on the downhill slide to labor. Or, what we on the blog are going to be calling, “Get The Fuck Away From Mindbling Before She Hurts You. She Is Out Of Her Mind Crazy”.



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10 responses to “Mindbling Ponders the Big Issues Part Three: Wherein She Wonders Why Anyone In Their Ever-Loving Mind Would Get Pregnant On Purpose

  1. MrsCrappy

    Also, sex during pregnancy helps to thin the cervix when its time to pop child out, therefore (in theory, as I’ve never done this) making labor easier! Sex puts them in and helps get them out!!!

    P.S.- You don’t look your age. Beautiful pre-prego/beautiful during-prego/beautiful post-prego!!!

  2. I bet if you ask further of those that like the preggo sex, I’m guessing there’s a caveat where they like it if they, themselves, is the reason for the pregnancy.

    Oh, and I second Mrs. Crappy on the PS.

    • Hot Mama

      And I third Mrs. Crappy on the PS…your are one of the sexiest younger-then-your-age-looking bitches that I know. xoxo

  3. Starsky

    I agree with you wholeheartedly!!! My most fav things being pregnant were carefree sex (ie: not worrying about getting pregnant) and boobies!

    Breastfeed and watch those suckers grow even larger. At the height of breastfeeding, I had gone from a pre-pregnancy 34B to a whopping 36D!!!

  4. Everything Mrs. Crappy says. Keep doing it until that baby is out of there. It will get a little awkward soon.

    Let’s be honest here, the crazy continues through breast feeding. I always make a point of telling first time moms that (which I know you’re not). It sure surprised me! I didn’t feel normal until Flora weaned herself at 10 months. (Let’s not debate “normal”, m’kay?)

    Good luck, mama!

  5. The pregnancy fetish is actually a male trait that dates back to the cro-magnon era. It’s a subconscious attraction based on the fact that you are fertile and are suitable for breeding.

  6. Big Dancin' Mama

    Chilla, you were supposed to make her feel better, not say stuff like “suitable for breeding”, lol! There you have it MB, you’re one hell of a good breeder!

  7. I’m right there with you on all of this. I’m 30 weeks pregnant, and I feel like a boat. I don’t feel attractive at all, and the mood swings are awful. Also, this is my first, so I’m going into this blind which scares the hell outta me.

    I think your gorgeous. I know that no amount of anyone telling you that will convince you (cause it doesn’t convince me), but it is infact true.

    I keep telling myself that this isn’t forever. And it isn’t. But it sure as hell feels like it sometimes. Hang in there!

  8. I think you look 21.

  9. sunshine

    My God, I will NEVER get prego, EVER!!! This is some scary shit…like a 9 month long bad acid trip. Kudos to all the mothers out there for hanging in there; I totally have an entirely new respect for motherhood now.

    And MB, you are gorgeous, always have been, always will be and I’m sure you’re glowing (even if you don’t admit it.) As a matter of fact, I think you look younger/sexier now than you did back in the “old G_C days”.

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