You Want Happy Ending?

Mavrick and I have been hard at work preparing our new home. And when I say Mavrick and I, I mean Mavrick. The bulk of the work has been painting, or power-tool related, neither of which are very mindbling friendly. So Mavrick has been busting his backside to get the house ready, while I have been hard at work doing things such as getting pedicures, shopping, blogging, etc. God’s work, when you think about it.

But this Sunday, I decided to pitch in and help. And by help I mean sit there and chat with Mavrick while he worked. Very exhausting. The highlight of my day was running to Lowe’s to buy a mirror. And then, Mavrick either got inspired, or sick of watching me sit on my ass. He decided that I could vacuum all of the new carpeting we just had installed.

I don’t know if any of you have ever had to vacuum new carpeting, but it gives ‘exercise in futility’ a whole new meaning. It ‘sheds’. ‘Sheds’ being French for ‘never stops having new little pieces of loose carpeting appear. Good luck ever getting it all up. Ha ha. Sucker.’ But I give it my best try, and spent two hours bent over like a pretzel trying to get three rooms of carpeting looking pristine.

At one point Mavrick walked in and said, “You vacuum the shit out of a room,” at which point I realized I had overplayed my hand and now he would expect every room to be this well vacuumed. Dang. A few hours later, we were both scrunched up in pain from the day’s work.

Mavrick suggests we head up to a Dormont massage parlor, Xie LiHong’s Wellness Center. Which everyone knows is English for ‘Happy ending, 50 dollar’. This particular establishment is open 7 days a week, from 10 am to 10 pm, and yes, boy howdy, that includes Sundays.

Coupla things. It’s Sunday night, a little after 9. What kind of boyfriend suggests an Asian massage parlor to their pregnant girlfriend? Mine. I don’t care if you call it Xie LiHong’s Wellness Center, Xie LiHong’s Shoe Depot, or Xie LiHong’s House of Pancakes, anything Asian massage-related very obviously means there is a Happy Ending involved. Those urban legends don’t just make themselves up.

Mavrick insisted it wasn’t like that, he had been there previously, and there was zero hanky panky. His prize-winning argument was that the walls didn’t go all the way to the ceiling, so each massage room could hear what was going on in the next. AS IF this might actually be a deterrent to your average, Asian massage parlor attending perv. Whatever. I was tired, sore, and a massage sounded quite divine. And, I figured if nothing else, I was bound to get a good blog out of this.

Mavrick picks me up at 9:15, and we’re on our way. I’m nervous as all get out. And walking in did nothing to assuage my fears. The first thing I noticed was the sweaty man in glasses and a gray running suit getting his frequent massagers card punched at the front desk. Not kidding. Then my eyes flit to the 1987 magazines on the table. Then to the plastic flowers in the vase. Everything about this place screamed VICE SQUAD’S ON ITS WAY. HAPPY ENDING $50!

I was silently cursing Mavrick for talking me into this. I was positive that I was about to get molested by a tip-seeking illegal immigrant. I don’t care how much my back hurt, I didn’t want to do this. And then. Xie LiHong herself came out. She seemed so sweet, so normal, so incapable of sticking her finger up my butt, that I allowed myself to be lulled into thinking everything was ok.

Mavrick goes back with his lady, and Xie leads me back to my room. As we walk, I tell her, Hey, I’m pregnant. Baby on board. She smiles, pats my stomach, and says, “Ok! Face down massage!” But she said it such a way that I think she says that to everyone, no matter what they are saying. “I have a gun in my pants.” “Ok! Face down massage!” “Do you give happy ending?” “Ok! Face down massage!” “What’s the square root of Pi?” You get the point.

I go to the room next to Mavrick, Xie motions to some clothes hooks, lays a sheet down for me to cover up, and leaves the room. I strip down to my super sexy pregnant lady panties, and wait. And wait. And wait. I can hear Mavrick in the other room, and yes, it is apparent to me at this point that if there was a happy ending going on over there, I would know about.

This relaxes me. I lay down and start looking at the charts on the wall. One of which is a giant diagram of Chinese acupressure points. At this point, I start wondering, what kind of massage am I getting here? I am familiar with exactly one kind, and that would be the one white chicks give you at day spas. I am beginning to think that is not what I’m in for.

Just as Xie comes in, my eyes lock onto a portion of the diagram. They widen in recognition of what I am seeing. Before I have time to gasp or react, Xie pounces on me. In a move I will regret for the rest of my life, I fail to get a picture of this. But, mustering all my creative skills, I have recreated it the best I can:Holy fuck, ya’ll. That’s a taint. So help me, if I hear so much as one taint slap coming from Mavrick’s room, I will go Charlie’s Angels on their asses. I would have gotten up to protest, but Xie had already begun what I now know is Tuina Qi Gong massage. Roughly translated – I Will Treat Your Butt Like The Muscle It Is.

Nothing in my life had prepared me for this. She was literally trying to kick my ass. I had kept my panties on in a bid for modesty. She was having none of it. She pulled them down below my cheeks and proceeded to pummel my back, shoulders, and rear like they had personally done something to her and her people.

She pulled them down, said “Sawwy!”, attacked my butt, and pulled them back up. She attacked my back and arms for a bit, apparently decided my butt had offended her, pulled them down again, Sawwy!, attacked, pulled them back up. This happened four or five times.

I was waiting for Mavrick to ask me if I was okay, because the sound of my massage table groaning from the movement absolutely sounded like someone having sex. Then the compression started. Blamblamblamablamblam. I was about to tell her to stop, please, I can’t take it anymore, when the sweet, sweet strains of Lionel Ritchie stirred in the background.

There I was. Tears forming in my eyes, butt totally violated, silently singing, Hello, is it me you’re looking for?

I could hear Mavrick’s lady ask him if he wanted more time, and then he called over to me, “Baby? Do you want more time?” Hmm. Let me think. Umm. No. I’m good. Thanks! Xie finishes off on my feet, and leaves the room so I can dress.

I stumble out to the front lobby, and there stands Mavrick. Looking like a man that may or may not have had his butt violated. I’m not sure. They give us a frequent massagers cards, hopeful that we will return. And honestly, we probably will. (Well, I know Mavrick will. He already wants to go back. And I don’t care what he says, I think he is hoping for a happy ending). Once I did some research and found out what Qi Gong is all about, I can see why Xie did what she did.

She wasn’t attacking me. She was realigning me, loosening up my soft tissue, and doing a damn fine job of it, I might add. For a tiny Asian lady, she had Chuck-Norris like hands. At various points it felt like she had four or five hands. Two days later, my shoulders have never felt better.

If you want a nice, soothing, relaxing massage, go see a white chick. If you want your sore and twisted muscles beaten into submission, go see Xie. And take your underwear off before you lay down. Or she will take them off for you. Sawwy!

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12 Comments

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12 responses to “You Want Happy Ending?

  1. Hilarious. That is all. HILARIOUS.

  2. mindymin

    ROFL! Im glad your shoulder felt better but that sounds eerily like my first “deep tissue” massage where a 5′ tall skinny ass white girl beat the ever loving snot out of me under the guise of therapy. Swear to all that is holy I couldnt move right for 4 days after that….

  3. “Happy ending 50 Dollah” That was hilarious!

  4. coffee

    Again, I just spit red wine out all over the place.

  5. So glad I took the time to come and read this! Made my day…and now I’m completely on the fence about a massage…

  6. What an awesome post. I’ve never had an Asian butt massage. Were you wanting another one 20 minutes later?

    I’m ashamedly racist at Chinese food places. When they speak Chinese to each other I am always convinced that they are talking about me in unflattering or threatening ways. I’m not that way with any other nationality. I am a horrible person.

    The only way to get back is to make them say my name (in a reservation or takout order). It is Cox, and Chinese speakers can’t seem to pronounce the letter “x”. But it is fun to hear them try. Koh! Kosh! Cock! Yes!

  7. My gf Pinky is a masseuse and you’re right about one thing… doing massages for a living will give even the littlest people “hands of iron”.

  8. LMAO…now my stomach muscles don’t need a workout today because I just sat here and laughed for the 5 minutes it took me to read this…

    Ever find out why there was that picture on the wall? Pay 50 dolla and you may find out…

  9. Crazylady

    I can’t stop laughing!!! GREAT post!

  10. As a former Massage Therapist, I haven’t even checked out one of those places. I always assumed they’d involve happy endings. I myself have been asked on multiple occasions (always by the big, sweaty, hairy men) if I do something…*cough* extra, wink, wink.

    You made my day by reading this. My husband thought I was freaking nuts when I was laughing uncontrollably.

  11. Pingback: You Want Happy Ending? An Update! | BitchBurgh

  12. Jacqueline Algaier

    Hey there…pretty funny. My only concern as a licensed massage therapist for the past 15 years…is that you are pregnant and she did nothing to assess any possible contraindications. I have had clients with cancer come to me and tell me that after a massage they developed lymph edema because the therapist didn’t know the correct way to treat someone who had lymph node removal. Someone who isn’t able to communicate and isn’t gathering information regarding a person’s health, should not be doing massage…happy ending or not.

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