I love Roseanne reruns. I have seen every single episode a million times, but I do not care. I think it is hilarious…Roseanne and Dan kind of remind me of HP and I…loud, sarcastic, just trying to scrape on by, but with humor. Today I was watching the episode where Darlene and David get married and Dan has a heart attack. Not one of my favorite episodes, but one thing I noticed is that Darlene and David wrote their own vows. It kinda made me want to re-write my marriage vows, only this time around, they will not be generic and will actually reflect what real couples go through.
While saying I promise to love you, for richer or poor, til death do us part is nice, it doesn’t really get down to the nitty gritty of marriage. What does for richer or poorer really entail? Is there a get out of jail free card if your spouse blows all your money on porn or gambling or drugs? If HP spent our mortgage on a craps table, with a hooker, while hopped up on crack or something…well, I just don’t think I could stay married to him.
And what about in sickness and in health? Of course I would stay by HP’s side if he had some serious illness…but what about the stomach flu? Do I HAVE to stay by his side then? I hate puke, I don’t wanna watch him do it and I definitely don’t want to catch it from him. Am I still holding up my end of the marriage rope if I banish him to the bathroom and don’t let him out til he is vomit free for 24 hours? Is forcing your sick husband to sleep in the bathtub cruel?
And the promise to love the person til death do you part…of course, if you are getting married, you love the person. But do you have to like them all the time? I never, ever, second guess my love for HP…but to be honest, sometimes I really don’t like him. Like when he stays out til 2:30 AM for ‘pool league’…on a Wednesday night…thus rendering him useless the next day. His boss, Super D, gets freaking pissed and GUESS WHAT?!?! Not only is Super D HP’s boss, he is also MY DAD. So yeah, shit like that makes me temporarily not like HP.
So here it is, real life vows, in honor of my real life marriage:
Babe, I take you to be my husband, I’ve been taking it for a loooong time. I know you’ve been taking it, too. It’s not easy to take at times, this is true. Regardless, from this day forward, I do promise to love you, I will always love you. But I don’t have to like you if you do something stupid. You don’t have to like me if I do something stupid, though I cannot imagine ever actually doing anything stupid.
I promise to take care of you if you come down with something deadly…but if you come down with something contagious, you are on your own. I will toss you a bucket, a box of Kleenex, and a can of Lysol. I will essentially take care of you from a far. That’s the best I can do, and hell, at least I’m honest.
That is something else that I promise. Honesty. I will be honest with you about anything that you ask me. But I do not promise to offer all information up. Like I would never tell you, for instance, that I spent almost three hundred dollars at Target last week unless you asked. I promise to stand by you for richer or for poorer. So far, I only know what for poorer feels like. I hope that one day we can feel what for richer feels like. But if we don’t I’ll be here anyway.
I love how hard you work for stuff and the pride that you show in all that you have and do. I promise to rub your back when it aches. I promise to laugh at your jokes, even the stupid ones. I promise to always make Thanksgiving broccoli, with extra Ritz crackers and cheese. I promise not to tell anyone that you cried during the movie ‘Knocked Up.’ Ok, I promise not to tell anyone else, at least. I promise to be myself and to let you be yourself, but I also promise to make an honest effort to change things that bug you…like when we are brushing our teeth together before bed, I will try to stop racing you to the sink to be the one who spits first. I know it annoys you. Forever and ever and ever til death* do we part.
*About that death thing though…is there like, a statute of limitations on that? Does that mean until BOTH of us die or just one of us? Cause if you contract a deadly strain of Ebola or H1N1 or some such thing and you die…I cannot promise to stay single forever. I know the men of Twilight are just waiting in the wings until the day when they can have me. Lets make a deal…if you die, I get to live in a polyamourous relationship with Edward and Jacob, if I die you and Charlize Theron can live happily ever after. Deal? Sweeeet.