Butt Chugging and Blow Jobs. Just Your Typical Weekend at the House O’ Bling

What. What? Chicken Butt!

Living with Mavrick has been one awesome day after another. No ONE day has been perfect, but everyday has had sprinkles of awesome and slices of greatness. I feel we are off to a good start.

Sometimes, Mavrick says something so deep, so profound, which shows how connected we are, that I cannot help but sit back and ponder how I found this perfect, perfect man.

For instance. Friday, as we were getting ready to go tailgate for Sugarland with some of my friends from the Twitter, he looks and me and asks me if I read about this new drinking trend where people soak tampons full of vodka and stick it up their asses to get drunk.

It turns out I hadn’t heard that, but these are the stories that I damn near live for, and for him to know this, and to make sure I did hear about this, is proof that he is, indeed, the perfect man for me.

Who else knows me so well?

You may have noticed that I said that WE were going tailgating, because yes, I dragged him with me to Sugarland. Mavrick does not like country music. Mavrick likes manly music, like raps about ho’s and throwing bo’s and whatever else it is rappers like to rap about. Country is totally not his thing.

But because he loves me, and because I promised him five blow jobs if he went, Mavrick found himself the lone man in a SUV full of vaginas and estrogen, hurtling towards a concert that not only did he NOT care about, but would actively dislike.

He managed to have a great time anyway, because we were with a group of girls who were so fun, that you cannot help but have a good time. Also, he was drunk. He decided that if he was doing this, he was doing it right, and he started chugging Belgium beers and washing them down with shots of straight Jim Beam.

He took a lovely nap during the concert, befriended the people next to us in the parking lot, tried to talk me into letting him go to Blush to see midget strippers, refused to get in the truck to go home, FINALLY gets in the truck to go home, and passes out with a can of Olde E between his legs and a bottle of Jim Beam snug in his arms. Ahhh. Why yes. Yes this is the father of my child.

Saturday rolls around, and we are having Cousin and her boyfriend over for drinks and cards. Cousin, for those who don’t know, can drink. Well. She THINKS she can drink. In reality, she is practically a midget herself, yet insists on drinking like a linebacker for the Rams or something.

Mavrick decided to go ahead and make it a weekend bender, and proceeds to get plowed with them. We aren’t talking butt-chugging plowed, but tequila shot plowed for sure. Around 1:30 in the morning, my pregnancy kicks in, and I decide that as fun as it is to sit around and watch everyone drink and have fun, I’m just going to go to bed.

Sunday morning dawns, and I can smell my beloved behind me. The Cabo Wabo that was so tasty and delish the night before was now resting like a dead cat in his mouth. I roll over to give him a kiss anyway, because that’s what you do when you’re in a relationship, and I can’t help but think to myself that he is goddamned adorable.

And how unfair is that? Back when I would go to bed drunk, I would wake up and look like someone beat me with a stick, painted half of my face black, glued my eyes shut, and moved a family of cracked-out birds into my hair. I didn’t look adorable. I looked like a homeless person that had wandered into bed.

Mavrick is all warm and red with a cute little crease down his cheek. His cute little cowlick is sticking up, his cute little “where am I?” smile is cute. Aside from the god-awful tequila smell rolling off of him, I wanted to fold him up and put him my pocket.

I try to tell him that he cashed in a blow job the night before, meaning I only owe him 4 now, but apparently he wasn’t THAT drunk. He knows he didn’t get a blow job. BUT! While we are on the topic, how do I feel about a Sunday morning hand job?

My eyebrows shoot up. A hand job over a blow job? What gives? He smiles sweetly, and in all seriousness, explains it to me thusly: “I enjoy them equally, and this is just me being sensitive here – I know that hand jobs are easier on YOU.”

Reason number 237 why Mavrick is the perfect man for me – who else would consider *that* being sensitive? We aren’t very mushy, lovey-dovey people, but dammit, we show we care in other ways. Of course he got his hand job.

So I was pretty happy coming to work today. Yes, it was raining and gloomy and a Monday, but I’m happy.  I’m in love, I’m pregnant, I can feel little Mavbling getting bigger everyday, I have a great job, a man who GETS me, I mean … I am sitting on top of the world.

I get to work, log on to my computer, and see a story I have to share with Mavrick. EYE CHUGGING. Sweet jesus. It’s going to be a good day.

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6 Comments

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6 responses to “Butt Chugging and Blow Jobs. Just Your Typical Weekend at the House O’ Bling

  1. Gah! You beat me too it about the vodka thing. I saw it last week on 30 Rock… Liz says to Jenna, “Have you been soaking your tampons in vodka again?”

    I was totally going to use that some time…

    I think blowjobs are a perfect means of bargaining for anything guys don’t want to do. Quid pro quo! I admire your forward thinking here!

  2. Cousin

    You forgot to mention something. We fornicated in your spare bed. Twice. Boo to the ya!

  3. cuzziewuzzie

    tailgates with good beers and straight shots of jim beam?? penn state man??? have i done him before?? hmm…

  4. What the hell made it so wrong to drink with your mouth? I mean it’s a direct shot to the gut. The plumbing is all hooked up. Why the indirect method? I think I’ll try soaking my iPod ear buds in Jack Daniels and see what happens. That’s a good time.

    “I know that hand jobs are easier on YOU.” I’m calling Hallmark right Goddamn now. Sweetest Day has got to be just around the corner!

  5. Maggie

    I forgot how FN funny you are!!! Glad to back in the mix!!

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