Smiley+Toilet+Keys=Hot Mama is screwed…

It took me about a week to calm down enough to write this post. I was so pissed and it wasn’t funny yet. It is getting to the point of being funny now. Sort of. It still makes my blood boil though.

Last week, we went grocery shopping. The entire Hot family hopped into the old Trailblazer and headed off to Shopper’s Choice…which is probably the most ghetto grocery store ever, at least by North Hills standards. I can’t describe why exactly it is ghetto…it just is. But it is cheap as hell and we needed a lot of shit.

When we got home, HP handed me the keys to unlock the door. I unlocked it and threw them in my purse. I think. That’s actually questionable. I could have just thrown my keys on the table next to the door. Whatever, either way, HP made the first mistake by handing the keys to me to begin with. Everyone may remember my key issues when I posted about my key finder.

The key finder did not last long…at least not in my house. I threw it outside where it continued to beep and beep for months to come, practically every time I walked outside. Just about three weeks ago, in a fit of rage, I picked it up and lobbed it at the side of the garage where it blessedly broke into a gazillion pieces and has not been heard from since.

So yeah. After unloading groceries, I was in the kitchen making dinner. Smiley wandered in with my cell phone…he was talking away into it. I thought he was just pretending, as my phone is ’locked’ when I am not using it. I told him to go give the phone to daddy. He walked into the other room, and I thought that, for once, he was listening.

Next thing I know, HP comes running into the kitchen (leaving Smiley unattended…mistake number two) yelling, “Why is 911 calling your phone?!?!?!?” Apparently, Smiley not only learned how to unlock my phone, he also learned how to dial 911. Not sure what the emergency was, but I imagine it had something to do with me telling him, “No.”

HP convinces the 911 dispatcher that everything is fine, we do not need an ambulance or a cop or animal control. I sort of disagreed with the animal control part, as the kids were acting like animals at that point, and could have used some control. But that’s neither here nor there.

After dinner, HP bathed the kids and put them to bed. I got my glass of wine and we watched our Netflix. Typical evening. Nothing out of the ordinary. No clue that our home would be turned upside down the next morning by the few tiny mistakes we had made the night before.

HP woke me up at approximately 7:15AM. He couldn’t find the brand new bag of coffee we had just purchased at Shopper’s Choice. I told him it probably fell out of a shopping bag in the truck. He agreed, but said he couldn’t find the keys. I got up and started looking. I was feeling déjà vu as I looked in all of the usual spots. But this time, the keys really were no where to be found. And, yes, that was the only set. No use scolding me about not having a spare pair…I have been scolded already, numerous times, by friends and family. Save your judgment, the damage is done. OK?!?!?!? And may I add that if someone was telling ME this exact same story, I would not scold them…I would commiserate with them because I am not all JUDGY McJUDGERSTEIN LIKE SOME PEOPLE. Ahem. Sorry.

The kids get up and we ask them if they know where the keys are. At first, they both tell us no. But E-man can’t lie for anything. He broke. He taps me on the arm, looks down at his feet and says,” I know what happened mom. Smiley flushed them down the toilet.”

Ok. Okaaaay. I asked him about a million times if he was sure and he swore to me that he was. He saw Smiley do it. Why he did not feel the need to tell us this information right when it had happened the night before is still beyond me. Must be a brother thing.

I can totally see them, standing in the bathroom…probably when HP was on the phone with 911. Smiley throws the keys into the toilet. E-man says, “oooooolllll, you better get those outta there! You better not flush….” Flush. I can see the smile on Smiley’s face…that beautiful smile and those big blue eyes, the look that he gets on his face when he knows he is getting away with something. E-man was probably scared to death, for his brothers sake. So he kept quiet cause that’s just the kind of kid he is. No one will ever accuse him of being a snitch or a tattle!

HP called Super D to let him know that he would be late for work…he had to take our toilet apart to try and retrieve our keys. At this point, I put Smiley in his room…I was too mad to yell, and I did not know what else to do with him. HP pulled the toilet apart, but the keys were no where to be found. And honestly, who thought they would be? The thing had probably been flushed about a hundred times since the incident.

So I called a locksmith that specializes in unlocking your car and making you a new key on the spot. They arrive within the hour. Or shall I say he arrives within the hour. He looks exactly like Mindbling’s ex, the infamous ex, so I immediately do not like him before he even opens his gargantuan sized lips. He takes a glance at my truck, wrote some stuff on a paper, and handed it to HP. TWO HUNDRED AND FIFTY FUCKING DOLLARS FOR A GODDAMN UNLOCK AND KEY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I did the most reasonable, most helpful thing that I could think to do in that situation…I burst into tears, stomped back into my house, and slammed the door. I sat down at my dining room table, put my head in my hands, and cried like the little bitch that I am.

HP sent Infamous Ex Look Alike away, but not without paying the son of a bitch THIRTY GODDAMN DOLLARS. Thirty dollars for doing nothing. He didn’t even unlock the truck for us. I think I want to apply for a job at that locksmith…I would love a job where I get paid to do nothing. Right now I don’t get paid and I do EVERYTHING, so I really don’t see how that is fair. Urghh. I digress.

A light bulb went off in my head and I remembered that my uncle works at a Chevy dealer. We called him and it all came together…he was able to make a new key from our VIN number and only charged us seven bucks for it. All was right with the world once again.

Lesson learned? Yes, I know. I need a spare set (or ten) of keys. Like I said, that has been mentioned to me five or six hundred times in my life and I have yet to listen. What can I say…I am a rebel.



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9 responses to “Smiley+Toilet+Keys=Hot Mama is screwed…

  1. I commend you for refraining from sending Smiley in after the keys.

    God knows, that would have been my first reaction…

  2. Dan

    As I was reading, it hit me like a sack of cement…my car only had one set of keys. I’m dialing my car dealer right now…

  3. What a tale! It was like the Matrix where any deviation in detail would have changed the trajectory of your life, like concentric waves from a pebble hitting a lake. Unfortunately, you couldn’t answer a telephone and be transported back into an alternate reality. No, you are truly stuck in the Matrix. (Although your son could have been talking to the evil people with sun glasses who were telling him what to do.) You should have taken the blue pill.

    p.s. Why do I totally picture you having the bedazzled toilet in that picture?

  4. laurenhbg

    I love your stories – makes my morning! Sorry about getting entertainment from your misfortunes. 🙂

    • Hot Mama

      Awww, thanks! And that’s quite alright…I laugh at my misfortunes, too…otherwise, I would most definitely cry and where’s the fun in that? Glad you like! 🙂

  5. Crazylady_13

    TO FUNNY!!! Ever find out what the 911 call was about? Possibly warning them he was gonna get killed when you & HP found out what he did?!?!? Hahaahah

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