Snowstorm?? Hot Mama don’t need no stinking snowstorm!!

I have been informed by my counterpart Bitches that it has been too long since I have posted anything. Sorry about that. I have sort of been in a mood. My quest for serenity is a bust, so I plan to ‘rage on’, as my comment crush Carpetbagger has instructed me to.

Even though I am all but giving up on serenity for the time being, I have not given up trying to figure out why I am so rage-ful (is that a word?) all the time. I am starting to figure it out, I think. It is a combination of my clumsiness, my brain that never stops moving, and bad luck. These three things mixed together create a stew of epic rage.

Case in point…last Friday. I was feeling really motivated to get healthy. This motivation usually occurs for me towards the end of every summer when I am  seeing my peers repeatedly at the pool, most of them with young children, wearing bikinis and LOOKING GOOD IN THEM. This realization causes me to diet and exercise, just in time for bathing suit season to be over. Why do I do this to myself every year, you ask? Why wouldn’t I just get motivated in, I don’t know, MARCH so that I can, for once, look good in a bathing suit? I don’t know the answer. Just another prime example of the ways I make my own life twice as difficult as it needs to be.

Anyway, back to Friday. I went and did my motivated, healthy grocery shopping. Cousin came with me because, in her own words, she loves grocery shopping now that she is an adult. She is on a healthy eating kick, too, so she was helping me pick out stuff to eat that least resembled cardboard and tree bark.

I loaded up the old SUV with a trunk full of groceries and was quite excited to come home and make my lunch of high fiber wrap with turkey and a yogurt. Since my usual parking spot is the front of my house and the front of my house consists of lots of steps, I always unload groceries from the back of my house. My neighbor Mrs. Davidson has a big, flat, gravel driveway and she doesn’t care if I park there to unload stuff, so that is what I ALWAYS DO.

Until now. Cousin helped me unload everything and I asked her if she could hang with the kids for a minute whileI parked the truck back in the front of the house. I put the truck in reverse and go to back up. And I got stuck. STUCK. My back tire was literally buried in gravel and dirt. You are probably thinking, DUH Hot Mama, you have an SUV…use your 4-wheel drive. My 4-wheel drive is broken. And no real reason to spend the money to get it fixed right now, being as how it is THE DEAD MIDDLE OF SUMMER. For fuck sake.

My first thought was to try and dig the tire out with a shovel. The only thing that I could find was E-Man’s kid shovel. Which was not only plastic, but half broken as well. After five minutes of digging and getting nowhere, I decide that I need a guy to help. Sorry to all you feminists out there, but honestly, have you met me?? I am the girliest girl in the world.

I ran and got my other neighbor, who we will just call Mr. B. Mr. B is in his 60s and is probably one of the nicest, most helpful people I have ever met. He would do anything for anyone and if there was even a remote possibility that someone could dig that tire out, it would be Mr. B. He took one look at it and said, “No way! You are buried! Someone is going to have to tow you out.”

Great. I was, at that exact moment, supposed to be at the pool, sunning myself, and hoping to God that my diet had started to kick in already. Instead, I was standing next to my truck, in 98 degree with 100% humidity weather, wondering how the hell I was going to get the truck out of Mrs. Davidson’s driveway before she got home from work.

Hahahahaha!!! My owner is a complete idiot!! I would be better off driving myself!!

I called Hot Papa to help and he informed me that he was ‘too busy’. Humpf. Like his JOB is more important then dislodging my truck so I could drive to the pool. So I did what any sensible girl would do in this situation. I called my mother. She came and picked us up and drove us to the pool, all the while reminding me that I was probably the only person in the world who could manage to get their truck buried in the middle of a heat wave.

When we got back from the pool, the truck had not been magically unburied. Hot Papa arrived soon after and spent over an hour digging it out, jacking it up, putting boards underneath the tires, swearing, sweating, and giving me dirty looks. All the neighbors had come out to watch the spectacle and I felt like pretty much the biggest asshole on the planet.

I wish I had taken pictures. But I didn’t. So just picture a gold SUV, in the middle of winter, tires buried in a foot of snow, spinning tire like crazy. Only replace the winter with summer and the snow with gravel and that was what it looked like. Fuckin bullshit. But, as we like to say here at Bitchburgh…at least it makes a good blog.

Happy Trails,

Hot Mama



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6 responses to “Snowstorm?? Hot Mama don’t need no stinking snowstorm!!

  1. Big Dancing Mama

    Not just no snow, no mud as well. Hadn’t rained in days. And she’s not kidding, seriously buried. As in “think I need to step on the gas pedal more. . . more. . . more. Wheels seem to be shooting gravel (huh?), so give it . . . more . . . GAS! WTF? Guess I’m not pushing hard enough, okay try again. Dust. Smoke. Mmm better get out and take a look now.” You are hilarious!

  2. I always loved those old jungle movies where some fool is walking along a path and then, suddenly, boom… they’re up to their chin in quicksand!… right there in the middle of the path. “Quick, throw me a vine, cheetah!”

    Amazing that you actually found some in Pittsburgh. You’re lucky to be alive. That quicksand has been known to swallow up entire SUVs–driver, cousin, groceries, and all!

  3. Looks like you’re going to need that drink on Sunday! See yinz soon!

  4. Hot Mama

    Cassie, it was my pleasure…I would be happy to drink for you at anytime!

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