Last breast feeding class: Done. Last Child Birth Essentials class: Done. I now have 16 hours of child bearing and feeding expertise lodged into my brain. All of which I will forget the moment a strong contraction hits me. I can only hope that as I am chasing Mavrick around the birthing center, in a vain attempt to shove my ‘birthing ball’ up his ass, he can recall some pain management techniques. None of which are tethering me to a bed. Sorry, honey.
Since I’m getting so close to baby-having time, it has been brought to my attention that we need to have a baby poll. At first, I thought this was where everyone who was interested threw their name in a hat, and then, after the baby was born, I picked a name, and that person won the baby, and I went to Cancun for a week. But I have been informed that is incorrect.
Instead, you must all make your best guess about a few things, and the person closest to the actual stuff wins a PRIZE! We need your best guesses on:
The DAY I will have Mavbling,
His birth WEIGHT,
Will I PUNCH Mavrick during labor,
Will I cave in and demand DRUGS,
And … what is the first swear word I will SCREAM during labor and delivery?
Here are some factoids that may or may not help you with your guesses:
My due date is September 7th.
Jr. was two days early, but that was almost 15 years ago. Jesus. I can’t believe I’m having a baby when I was thisclose to being done. What the hell was I thinking?
I did not go natural with jr. I had an epidural.
I am going natural with Mavbling. I won’t have so much as an aspirin.
Mavrick weighed 9 pounds 2 ounces and was born one week late. His mom seems okay with this.
I weighed 9 pounds 13 ounces and was born two weeks late. My mother, to this day, has never fully forgiven me for either.
Jr. weighed 8 pounds 8 ounces.
I am not normally a violent person.
I swear. A fucking lot.
Okay! So here is what you do now. Put your best guesses in the comments. DAY, WEIGHT, PUNCH, DRUGS, SCREAM. That’s it. The commenter who comes the closest wins my placenta.
HA HA HA. Just kidding. You can’t have that. I need it for the placenta tree planting ceremony that Mavrick and I are going to have. HA HA HA. I’m kidding, AGAIN! That shit is going in a biohazard bin. Have you ever seen a placenta? Looks like someone turned a raccoon inside out.
You can make your guesses all the way until I go into labor. Once the little sucker is born, we will see who got the closest. That person, depending on where they live, will win a box of wine, OR, if they are out of town, I will ship them a few ounces of my breast milk.
HAHAHAHA. I’m KIDDING! I’m not giving any of that away. I will need all the milk I can get, so mommy can store some and have a night here and there where she can blessedly drink the alcohols again. We will send an out of town winner a gift card, or a plaster of paris sculpture of Hot Mama’s tits or something. We will make it nice.
SO! BEST OF LUCK! One entry per person. You may, however, create an account for your cat, dog, goldfish, elderly neighbor, etc, and guess multiple times. I mean, how would we ever know? We wouldn’t. We don’t care that much. We aren’t investigating you to make sure you’re not cheating, is what we’re saying.