It’s BABY POLL TIME! Let’s All Place Bets On My Uterus! WOO!

I'm all in. ALL IN. Can someone check my diaper? Where's the waitress? What's a baby gotta do to get some milk here?

Last breast feeding class: Done. Last Child Birth Essentials class: Done. I now have 16 hours of child bearing and feeding expertise lodged into my brain. All of which I will forget the moment a strong contraction hits me. I can only hope that as I am chasing Mavrick around the birthing center, in a vain attempt to shove my ‘birthing ball’ up his ass, he can recall some pain management techniques. None of which are tethering me to a bed. Sorry, honey.

Since I’m getting so close to baby-having time, it has been brought to my attention that we need to have a baby poll. At first, I thought this was where everyone who was interested threw their name in a hat, and then, after the baby was born, I picked a name, and that person won the baby, and I went to Cancun for a week. But I have been informed that is incorrect.

Instead, you must all make your best guess about a few things, and the person closest to the actual stuff wins a PRIZE! We need your best guesses on:

The DAY I will have Mavbling,

His birth WEIGHT,

Will I PUNCH Mavrick during labor,

Will I cave in and demand DRUGS,

And … what is the first swear word I will SCREAM during labor and delivery?

Here are some factoids that may or may not help you with your guesses:

My due date is September 7th.

Jr. was two days early, but that was almost 15 years ago. Jesus. I can’t believe I’m having a baby when I was thisclose to being done. What the hell was I thinking?

I did not go natural with jr. I had an epidural.

I am going natural with Mavbling. I won’t have so much as an aspirin.

Mavrick weighed 9 pounds 2 ounces and was born one week late. His mom seems okay with this.

I weighed 9 pounds 13 ounces and was born two weeks late. My mother, to this day, has never fully forgiven me for either.

Jr. weighed 8 pounds 8 ounces.

I am not normally a violent person.

I swear. A fucking lot.

Okay! So here is what you do now. Put your best guesses in the comments. DAY, WEIGHT, PUNCH, DRUGS, SCREAM. That’s it. The commenter who comes the closest wins my placenta.

HA HA HA. Just kidding. You can’t have that. I need it for the placenta tree planting ceremony that Mavrick and I are going to have. HA HA HA. I’m kidding, AGAIN! That shit is going in a biohazard bin. Have you ever seen a placenta? Looks like someone turned a raccoon inside out.

You can make your guesses all the way until I go into labor. Once the little sucker is born, we will see who got the closest. That person, depending on where they live, will win a box of wine, OR, if they are out of town, I will ship them a few ounces of my breast milk.

HAHAHAHA. I’m KIDDING! I’m not giving any of that away. I will need all the milk I can get, so mommy can store some and have a night here and there where she can blessedly drink the alcohols again. We will send an out of town winner a gift card, or a plaster of paris sculpture of Hot Mama’s tits or something. We will make it nice.

Timmy, distracted by the Royal Flush in his hand, realized no, he didn't just sit in Pepsi. He had, in fact, pee peed in his pants.

SO! BEST OF LUCK! One entry per person. You may, however, create an account for your cat, dog, goldfish, elderly neighbor, etc, and guess multiple times. I mean, how would we ever know? We wouldn’t. We don’t care that much. We aren’t investigating you to make sure you’re not cheating, is what we’re saying. 

Happy guessing!

 MB-

Advertisements

22 Comments

Filed under Uncategorized

22 responses to “It’s BABY POLL TIME! Let’s All Place Bets On My Uterus! WOO!

  1. The DAY I will have Mavbling
    September 7 (it’s my anniversary, so you’d better get it right)

    His birth WEIGHT
    6 lbs. 8 ounces. This is based on my 100% lack of knowledge of all things involving birth.

    Will I PUNCH Mavrick during labor
    Probably

    Will I cave in and demand DRUGS
    No, you’re tough.

    And … what is the first swear word I will SCREAM during labor and delivery?
    “Motherfucker”

  2. ShanLin

    The DAY I will have Mavbling,
    September 10th

    His birth WEIGHT,
    8 lbs. 7oz

    Will I PUNCH Mavrick during labor,
    no

    Will I cave in and demand DRUGS,
    No

    And … what is the first swear word I will SCREAM during labor and delivery?
    F to the U CK this S HIT

  3. Abby

    DAY- Sept. 11. That would be really convenient for me.

    WEIGHT- 8 lbs 6 oz.

    PUNCH- yes, but he deserved it.

    DRUGS- no. you got this!

    SCREAM- “mothereffingshitballs.”

  4. DAY: September 21. 42 weeks is the longest allowed these days. 😉 My aunt guessed I’d be 20 days late and was dead on; my mom still hasn’t forgiven her. 😉

    WEIGHT: 9lbs 10oz

    PUNCH: No, but you verbally emasculate him. 😉

    DRUGS: After a valiant effort, I’m picturing you going all momzilla and screaming, “Give me morphine!” ala Bill Cosby Himself. 😉

    SCREAM: Ever hear of George Carlin’s 7 words? Yeah, those. My wife doesn’t swear nearly as much as you and she dropped several f-bombs in a row. 😉

  5. Cassie or Carly

    The DAY I will have Mavbling
    September 4th. I’m optimistic.

    His birth WEIGHT
    8 lbs 12 oz. Sorry to your vagina in advance.

    Will I PUNCH Mavrick during labor
    If you don’t, Hot Mama will.

    Will I cave in and demand DRUGS
    No freaking way. You’ve gone public. You told people you won’t. Therefore, you won’t for lack of being shamed in the blogosphere. Shamed!

    And … what is the first swear word I will SCREAM during labor and delivery?
    Shit-fuck-hell-damn. It works well for me.

  6. Allison

    DAY- September 5th

    WEIGHT- 7 lbs 9 ounces

    PUNCH- yes, or at least definitely some kind of hitting

    DRUGS- no

    SCREAM- FFFUUUUCCKKKKK

  7. Meghan

    Day – Sept 12
    Weight – 7lb 6oz
    Length – 11 inches threw this in to get ex points
    Punch – Nah
    Drugs – Absolutly – why would anyone go thro labor with out?????
    Scream – Ass Hole

    Good luck,

  8. Don’t want to say that 14 years was a long time ago, but I looked it up: the hit song was “Macarena” and the no. 1 movie was Independence Day.Holy crap, that was a long time ago. Doesn’t matter, though. You’re focused, you’re educated, and you’re committed. Nothing can stop you. So here are my guesses:

    The DAY I will have Mavbling: Sept. 4

    His birth WEIGHT: 8 lb, 4 oz.

    Will I PUNCH Mavrick during labor? No, after.

    Will I cave in and demand DRUGS? No, you will be too proud. (FYI: I’m least confident in this answer.)

    First swear word I will SCREAM during labor and delivery? The always tasteful and effective “MOTHER FUCKER!!”

  9. Day – Sept 5
    Weight – 8lb 6oz
    Punch – No. Mav will be smart enough to stay out of striking distance.
    Drugs – No… you have a massive tattoo, showing you can tolerate pain.
    Scream – Shit… for the first minor pain… Probably work it right in with the quick breathing… “shhit shhit shhit shhit…”

  10. DATE- 8/30/10. My birthday.
    WEIGHT- 8 Lbs 2 oz
    PUNCH- NO. (I have inside info that says you sent Kyles dad out of the room but did not resort to violence)
    DRUGS- At 8Lbs 2 oz you bet your ass you will get drugs!
    SCREAM- MAVBLINGS REAL DADS NAME.

  11. Oh girlfriend, I am excited for you!

    The DAY I will have Mavbling:
    Sept. 17 … PODCAMP BABY!

    His birth WEIGHT,
    7 lb, 8 oz … I dunno, that sounds good

    Will I PUNCH Mavrick during labor,
    Probably, but the real question is where?

    Will I cave in and demand DRUGS,
    I’m thinking more like IV of Boxed Wine

    And … what is the first swear word I will SCREAM during labor and delivery?
    Fuckshitbitchpussy … make sure you earmuff the kid.

  12. Holy Toledo

    DAY – August 31, Nomad will be in the USA so can be there to see our grandson

    WEIGHT – 10#-1 oz – each generation of babies is bigger. Return all Newborn cloths now, get 3 month or better yet get 6 mo. size

    Length – 22-1/2″ Mavrick was 22″. Longer is better than wider.

    PUNCH- a kick, unless your feet are strapped down, when Mavrick is catching little Mavbling

    DRUGS – I did without, you can too. 😉

    SCREAM – creative you will probably come up with something completely new which will soon become every new Mother’s mantra

  13. Aunt ME

    DOB: 8-31 (wouldn’t want to wish a late delivery on anyone, Catherine was 20 days late! Besides, that’s Uncle T’s bday)

    weight 9# even

    No punches, just words to/at Daddy.. ;-O

    Drugs, hell yah! Wonder if they’ll be as good as they were 33 years ago??!?! ( 31 yrs ago, the nurse “forgot” to call the Dr to get me some, HAD to go without.. NOT happy!)

    First swear words.. WTF??!?!

    God bless, prayers for a happy, healthy delivery. Can’t wait to meet him, we had a ginger baby, too, aka Tjr. 🙂

  14. Crazylady_13

    you know I gotta do this!
    weight – 8lb, 14 oz
    punch – you’ll threaten, & regret your restraint, but no – you will not punch Mav.
    drugs – No. You made up ur mind. Now… AFTER the birth is a totally different story!
    scream – if it’s a swear word. Itwould be ‘fuck’, however I expect a more clever insult.
    oh, the date – I vote 4 aug.27th

    can’t believe how close you are.

  15. Seattle

    Day: September 6. Weight:9lbs 11oz
    Punch: no
    Drugs: yes (sorry- I want to say no but I hear that shit hurts)
    Swear: son-of-a-bitch-mother-fucker

    Are you going to tweet in the delivery room to keep us all posted?

  16. Hot Papa

    Ok, I’ll bite…and donate the box of wine to the mama herself if I win

    date: Sept 4th

    weight: 7lb 7oz

    Punch Mav: no cause I think he’ll duck

    get drugs: nope, she has a doula 😉

    first swear word/phrase: well it depends if it’s Mindbling or Leroy P. Brown…’suck my balls you cocksuckin shit eatin mafucka’, would be Leroy, and ‘Don’t fucking touch me!’ will be Mindbling

    Good luck babe, I love ya!

  17. Maggie

    Day: Aug 16th, (my birthday)
    Weight: 32 lbs!! JK, 8lbs 14 oz
    Punch: No
    Drugs: I think by the time you realize you want them it will be to late!
    Swear word: Jesustits, get this thing out of me!!

  18. Weight 9 lbs. 5 Oz.

    Date: Sept. 2

    Punch: No, but I think you might throw something at him like a pillow or some other implement of labor.

    Drugs: Absolutely no! You are so ready to hang in.

    Swear word: I’m partial to “Fuck me with a chainsaw.”

  19. TammyG817

    September 11
    9lb 3 oz
    yes punch
    yes drugs
    mother fucker!

    good luck girl! can’t wait to hear the good news!

  20. Pingback: Wormy and Mindbling’s Texts From Last Night « BitchBurgh

  21. How did I miss this post before?

    Birth date: 9/12, 8:14 pm
    Weigh: 9 lbs 4 oz
    Length: 22.5 inches
    Swear: jesushockinglouieonapogostick
    Punch: you will be too busy clenching mav’s arm to make a fist
    Drugs: I know you want to go natural, but just remember if you do get an epidural and it’s done right, you will still feel all of your labor. And it will still probably hurt like hell when the baby crowns.

    Best of luck, Lady!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s