Gisele Bundchen: “I think there should be a worldwide law . . . that mothers should breastfeed their babies for six months. Some people here think they don’t have to breastfeed and I think, ‘Are you going to give chemical food to your child when they are so little?’”
Hey-o! Mindbling here. Being pregnant has really changed the way I look at the world. Mainly because I can no longer see my feet or my vagina, two body parts I was used to visually communicating with on a daily basis.
I have spent a lot of time online looking at celebrity moms and their seemingly magical transformation back to their post-baby bodies, and I think to myself, there is only one clear solution. I am going to have to blind Mavrick with an acid-dipped teaspoon.
During my research, I ran across some comments made by this one lady, Gisele Bundchen. Maybe you’ve heard of her. She did some modeling for this one underpants company, and married a professional football thrower. It appears that some of her comments angered some people, so I thought, in true Bitchburgh style; I would reach out to her to let her clear the air.
To my surprise, she quickly accepted. Ladies and gentleman, our new Senior Underpants Supermodel Mommy Correspondent, Gisele Bundchen.
Hello, American women. My name is Gisele Bundchen, and according to my Wikipedia page, I am worth $150 million dollars. I am largely considered to be one of the most successful supermodels, ever, and I married an equally wealthy and genetically superior specimen, one Thomas Brady. In other words, I can relate to all of you.
Sometimes, when I was lounging around on my underpants photography shoot; I would imagine what it would be like have a baby. Thomas Brady’s baby. If that hack Bridgette Mayonaissehead could have his baby, you are damn skippy your bippy that this Brazilian underpants model could, too. Thomas Brady is not just my husband, he is a supermodel inseminator. He sneezed on Adriana Lima once. I made her take a Plan B. Just to be sure.
I am getting off topic. What I wanted to do was take this opportunity to clear up some remarks I made about American women treating their bodies like garbage disposals, and also that breastfeeding should be mandatory by law for the first six months of your baby’s life. Boy! Did that open up a can of earth worms, or what? We have a saying in my native Brazil – American women are fat and cannot be trusted with their own vaginas, much less their breasts, so it’s best to just be an underpants supermodel and marry a football star.
Some have said that my comments reek of privilege. I would like to say nothing I do reeks of anything but lilac and sexy musk. I am Gisele Underpants Bundchen, and I fart aromatic, $100 bills. I have nothing in my life that you could not also have. Is it MY fault that you married Bob, your high school sweetheart, instead of Thomas Supermodel Inseminator Brady? No. It is not.
I have heard some women say that it’s hard to be a mom. I don’t see how hard it can be. Your chef and your personal trainer make sure you stay in shape, and your nanny helps you with the baby. To be honest, modeling underpants is more work. But, that nice woman who held me at gunpoint yesterday made some interesting points that I had previously not considered.
Not all women are underpants supermodels married to American football players with hair like this:
So! In my native Brazil, we have this saying – Fat American women don’t like to be reminded that they are fat and that they feed their babies chemical food, so you should probably keep your big, Brazilian mouth shut and just go about your day. And that’s what I’m doing. Going about my day. Like any other superunderpants Brazilian model married to an ultra-wealthy American athlete with arms like a cannon and a chin with a cleft so deep that one time, the baby fell into it and we had to call the nanny for help.
I wanted to thank you all for the opportunity for me to clear the air. While I do believe that American women are McDonald’s-eating cellulite factories who hate their babies, I did not mean to compare you to a kitchen appliance or to imply that Obama should make it a law that you all feed your children breast milk for six months. Now that I think about it, with your American diets, your breast milk is basically a chemical sludge anyway, so, do whatever feels right! We are all just moms here! Just trying to get by! Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to go have hot monkey sex with my gorgeous husband, while we feed each other organic yogurt, and roll around in hundred dollar bills. Just your average, American Family!
See you in your underpants!
Well, readers, I think I speak for all of us when I say thank you, Gisele, for your insightful commentary. To really cap off what she is trying to say here, we at Bitchburgh would like to draw your attention to a site that Wormy heard about when she was watching her news programs this morning: Operation Beautiful. It’s a wonderful site with a mission that reminds me of another beloved do-gooder. If these two women ever meet, the world will explode into puppies and glitter.
Operation Beautiful is all about combating negative body images that women suffer as a result of unrealistic portrayals of beauty in the media, the youth and looks obsessed society we live in today, and being a nation of crap-eating fatties. The next time you feel like you can’t do anything about all of the negativity out there, and you just don’t feel like working out, grab a post-it. Making someone else’s day has the strange and wonderful affect of also making yours.
Now, I’m off to eat a cupcake. XOXO