A Mindbling Investigative Report: South Hills Crime Wave and The Dating Club 4 Men

Mt. Lebanon has a lot of things in its favor. I, for the most part, enjoy living there. It’s safe, it has a great school district, an urban-feeling business district, public transportation, etc. etc. But lately, it seems that Mt. Lebanon is going downhill.

First, we had the ax wielding maniac. Then, we had the two guys trolling for tweeners. Then, we had an attempted burglary, TWO HOUSES DOWN FROM US. THEN, in the ultimate slap in the face, our ham went bad. I don’t know how the criminal masterminds behind our South Hills crime wave managed to do this, but they spoiled our ham.

Mavrick, in a desperate attempt to keep my pregnant ass from inhaling every french fry in the tri state area, packs my lunch every day. He makes sure there is a good balance of lean meats, proteins, fibers, fruits, veggies, and chocolate. I get an emergency email yesterday, “Sweetie! Throw out your sandwich!! I just made myself one, and the ham is bad. Do not eat it!!! xoxox” (ya. We sign shit xoxox. Deal with it).

DO NOT EAT!

Clearly there are sinister forces at work here. And this is why we have decided to get the hell out of Lebo.

It was time to start considering city living. Some people do the opposite – they live in the city BEFORE they have kids, and THEN they move to the suburbs. They are probably the same people that get ‘married’ before they have kids, and ‘plan’ their pregnancies. You know, people I have nothing in common with.

We talked about it, threw the idea around, then decided to actually get in our vehicle, go to some neighborhoods, and explore on foot. First stop: Lawrenceville.

We are both very familiar with Lawrenceville, having been there on numerous occasions for social outings, and having friends that live there. It was my absolute first choice, and Mavrick was pretty keen on it, too. It was a gorgeous Saturday (wait. It may have been a Sunday. I’m not sure. Preggo brain! Either way, it was the weekend.) and we spent over four hours walking around and checking out various parts of the neighborhood.

Now, I say ‘walking around’ like it was no big deal, but for those of you not familiar, let me tell you, Lawrenceville is a built on a big, huge, steep, giant hill. I am 9 months pregnant. It’s summer. And, to make things really interesting, I have to pee every 25 minutes. Be that all as it may, I hauled my pregnant cookies up and down 38th Street and most of Main Street. I ain’t scairt.

We found lots and lots to like. Plenty of cafes, shops, bars (of course. I won’t be pregnant forever, people), really nice people walking around. It just seemed like a place where we could be happy. And then I saw THIS:

The Dating Club 4 Men. Right there on Butler Street. (I borrowed this picture, with permission, from my friend and fellow blogger, Carpetbagger. The whole post is hilarious, and I suggest you read it. Also, he lives in Lawrenceville. Yet ANOTHER reason to move there!)

There we were. Standing on Butler Street. My mouth agog. This was the coolest, bestest thing I have ever seen. EVER. Are You Sick and Tired of Never Knowing What to Say to A Woman? Well then you, sir, are in luck. Head on down to the Dating Club 4 Men in Larryville. I could not have been happier if a goddamn unicorn walked out and offered me a ride. I mean, if you sign up today, RIGHT NOW, you get 12 free hip hop classes.

That would be me. On a unicorn.

If you can’t TALK a woman into letting you slid all up on her, you can do the next best thing – show her your cabbage patch. Win freaking win.

I want to know what goes on at this club. I NEED to know. Mavrick is deaf to my pleas (I really hope he is just ignoring me and the bad ham didn’t impact his hearing). Are any of our readers BRAVE enough. HIP enough. READY enough. to infiltrate the Dating Club 4 Men?

It just so happens that they have a meetup.com page, and a meeting coming up NEXT WEEK. Direct from the site, here is a small taste of what you will learn (the boldface titles are REAL, anything in () is my commentary):

Conquering Your Fears (we aren’t that scary, guys)

Signs that a woman is interested in you (she let you buy her a drink. HAHAHA. Just kidding. We let anyone do that)

Keeping her attracted to you (don’t get fat)

Where to find that right woman (next to the left one)

Being nice and getting nowhere (sometimes, you need to smack a ho)

Being manipulated sexually by females (damn women and their sneaky-ass vaginas)

Why you shouldn’t trick off drinks at the club (I am not sure what this means. I am from Mt. Lebanon)

How soon to call a female after you meet her (call her as soon as she gives you that number, to make sure it’s really hers. Otherwise, you could be booty calling her ex-boyfriend. NOT THAT I’VE DONE THAT)

The danger of obsession (Jail time. Then it’s REAL hard to meet women)

Fashion (No, it’s not still okay to wear Polo)

Breaking it off (oh my, aren’t WE ambitious?)

I’m not ready to get physical now girls (this only applies to a man suffering, at that exact moment, from Montezuma’s Revenge)

How much money to spend on a first date (None. Real playa’s make bitches pay)

Where to go on a first date (funkytown)

Which females you should avoid (ones with open sores, visible pregnancies)

AND MUCH MORE

Okay. That’s it. If you guys need help that badly, may I offer to you: The Bitchburgh School of How To Pick Up Some Bitches. Just give me time to pop this baby, move to Larryville, and open a store front. Wormy will teach how to vadge-wax your way into any woman’s heart, Hot Mama will lead a seminar on How To Purchase and Use The Proper Sex Toys, and I, of course, will teach Pulling Out: Never A Good Idea, and, No, She’s Not THAT Drunk.

See ya in the classroom!

MB-

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7 Comments

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7 responses to “A Mindbling Investigative Report: South Hills Crime Wave and The Dating Club 4 Men

  1. macgirlie

    Come to L’Ville, Bling. We’d be happy to have you.

    Since you won’t be preggers forever, did I mention we have a ‘porch crawl’? (1x month, ~3 houses host serving beer & apps: start at one house, spend about an hour drinking & chatting with neighbors, then crawl to next -with open containers ’cause we have a permit).

  2. mindymin

    I think they just read “The Game” and have used it as syllabus. HYSTERICAL….and I, for one, sincerely thank you for your PSA.

    …off to find a single guy willing to infiltrate that hawt mess and dish all the details….

  3. I think you three could teach a better class than The Club could ever hope to in their best dreams.

    Hey, maybe you could scope them out via applying for a job there!

  4. I have a love/hate relationship with the MtL too, so I know exactly where you are coming from. Did you see on the news that some guy was trying to break into a woman’s house in Mt. Lebo? You can’t be safe anywhere!

    And the Dating Club for Men – you could totally teach a better class and rake in the big bucks.

  5. What? Mt. Lebanon doesn’t have a men’s dating cult?

    My favorite is “start seeing results within 12 weeks of less.” Shit, 12 weeks? That’s 3 months. I could start learning Portugese in 3 months! I should hope these losers would “start” seeing some kind of result.

    I guess after only 8 weeks of class, it would be a bit presumptuous to think that you could go on a solo flight with Delores at the bar.

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