Take This Job and Shove it…Wormy Style

Original illustration of Steven Slater for Gawker by Sam Spratt

By now we’ve all heard of Steven Slater, the JetBlue flight attendant that gave the performance of a lifetime upon quitting his job.  Gawker.com, one of my Bible blogs, had a contest this week for readers to submit their most awesomest job quitting or firing stories of their lives.  This post inspired me to think about all the jobs I’ve quit over my lifetime.  Sadly, I’ve never left a job in an epic whirl of grand exodus like this guy. For the most part, I would give a 2 week notice, tie up all loose ends, make sure every detail was spelled out for my replacement and told all bosses and coworkers that if anything came up just to call me, of course I’ll help you out!  Yes, I know…I’m an asshole. But who wants to burn a bridge? You never know when an old contact could come in handy someday.  Yeah, I’m still waiting to cash in on that.

Then I got to thinking…there was this one time that I took a heroic stance against The Man. I just wish it had been more impressive.

I had just graduated from beauty school and ran into Anal Retentive, an acquaintance through a mutual friend.  He had just finished massage school. We get to chatting and hatch a plan to open a salon. Fast forward 6 months, salon is open and running and AR is driving me bananacakes.  Apparently, I can’t clean properly, answer the phone properly or make coffee properly along with a whole host of other shit that I suck at. This he tells me repeatedly for 6 months.

One day Anal says to me, “Hey Wormy, why don’t you go into my room and I’ll give you a massage.” I’m all like “hell YES!” cause he NEVER would trade services with me when we were slow.  It was really fucking annoying.  So I go in and lay down, in the dark and wait.  And wait.  He then proceeds to open and close the front door, make the phone ring, talk on the phone, turn the microwave on and off, flush the toilet….for like 10-15 minutes. At first, I kept thinking “what the hell is he doing?”, and then it hit me that he was doing all the things that I do that must annoy him, so I could hear what it sounded like. Am I not to answer the phone, let anyone in the shop or God forbid, relieve yourself if HE is in a massage?  He is such an asshole. He had no intentions of giving me a massage….He just played me. And now I was pissed.

I stormed out and said “what the hell do you think you are doing?” to which he started flipping out on me about how awful I am, I suck at my job, nobody likes me…blablabla…at this point he is getting so hysterical he is just screaming at the top of his lungs and decides it’s a great idea to HURL a 2-ltr bottle of Pepsi at me! The bottle hits the wall next to my head and EXPLODES in a rainfall of sticky cola foam ALL OVER ME.

I. FLIP. OUT.

I start screaming “Fuckyou….You just tried to kill me!!…Fuckyou…. I’m calling the cops!! Fuckyou!! I’m suing your ass!”…it got pretty ugly. I didn’t call the cops. Instead, I got my purse, gave him a final fuck you and walked out the door. At this point, I don’t know what to do. I live alone and now have no job.  I decided I needed a drink, and headed down to see Mindbling at Philthy McNasty’s to start boozing and figure out a game plan.  After pounding a few with her, I head back home and jump online and find a salon ad. So I call. They say come in for an interview in an hour. I show up. I might have been a bit tipsy. I get the job and start the next day. This was the salon that sent me to Paris, cause only shitty unlikeable employees that suck at their jobs get sent to Paris.  Everybody knows that.

Anal can go get fucked up the ass for all I care. Last I heard he was in the accounting field, having failed at running a salon and being a  massage therapist. Hmm…sounds like someone was shitty at their job. That is one bridge I was happy to burn down.

So, what are your best “sticking it to the man” stories?  I’m sure there is one or two of you out there that has done something epic.

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5 Comments

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5 responses to “Take This Job and Shove it…Wormy Style

  1. Mindbling

    Wormy, I will never forget this salon. This is where you gave me my first Brazilian. A girl never forgets her first butthole wax. No matter how badly this ended with you and AR, this job will always hold a special place in my heart.

  2. Starsky

    Ahh…how I miss boozing it at at good ol Philthy’s…

  3. I only have one applicable story.

    I was working at a Media Play store, managing the music department. Media Play was a big box store that had 4 departments, music, books, video/games and PC software. Each department was bigger than most free-standing stores for those areas.

    When I started, they had just opened one store, but their music department was a disaster. I gave it a complete overhaul, got the thing in order, trained their people… (they never thought to hire anyone with music retail experience.)

    Then they opened a second store, so I went over there and made sure they started off properly this time. Got the section set up, hired and trained some quality people, used my record biz contacts to start getting promo CDs and posters rolling in. They were expecting my dept. to account for 40% of total sales… I had it doing 45%.

    So one day, the District Manager says, “by the way, can you give me a list of all your record label contacts?”

    Eager to help, I said “Sure,” and gave him my entire list. I should have known…

    Then the following Monday, which just happened to be the morning after we were all there for our physical inventory, which was done into the wee hours, he calls me into his office, along with the store manager, and says they have to reorganize the store and cut costs, so I’m out. (So were a couple other managers.)

    This was a sensitive area with me… the exact same thing happened to me almost a year earlier. I had been so stunned, I crept out without a sound. 12 years of service down the tubes.

    So this time, I was not nearly in as charitable a mood. He stood up and extended his hand.

    I told him, “Get bent,”, spun on my heel and walked out.

    I know, it wasn’t exactly sliding down the emergency chute, but it felt right. And months later, I ran into some of the other employees from the store and all they could say was, “Did you really tell Dave to ‘get bent’?” Apparently the store manager told them what happened because there was no one else in the room.

    Made me feel a little better, anyway. Fuckin’ retail.

    I can’t say I didn’t have a song in my heart the day I heard they closed up both stores. Assholes couldn’t manage their way out of a paper bag.

  4. Holy ass hole. True story – I was a massage therapist before I went to Nursing School. The place I worked at supplied these wonderful things called “white noise machines,” and had AR had known about such things, he wouldn’t have heard you tinkling.
    Clearly, he’s not a bright bulb, eh?

    I’ve never quit a job non-amicably before. But I have quit relationships like that, before.

    My one high school boyfriend broke up with me without telling me he broke up with me while I was at BASIC TRAINING FOR THE ARMY. When I came home, he just ignored me. I mean, real grown up, ass. I was off kicking some butt and he was just stinking like one.

    So any who, I go through my entire senior year putting up with seeing him in classes, him ignoring me all the way, when we get our final project for Civics. We get to do whatever we want!

    So I dedicated a song to each class mate, wrote down why I chose each song and burned them a CD of the mix. What did I choose for my loving ex? Unforgiven by Metallica. Take that and shove it up your ass.

    Needless to say, I was the talk of the school for a long time. One kid came up to me and said, ‘Wow, you really showed him what’s up. He is such an ass.’

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