By now we’ve all heard of Steven Slater, the JetBlue flight attendant that gave the performance of a lifetime upon quitting his job. Gawker.com, one of my Bible blogs, had a contest this week for readers to submit their most awesomest job quitting or firing stories of their lives. This post inspired me to think about all the jobs I’ve quit over my lifetime. Sadly, I’ve never left a job in an epic whirl of grand exodus like this guy. For the most part, I would give a 2 week notice, tie up all loose ends, make sure every detail was spelled out for my replacement and told all bosses and coworkers that if anything came up just to call me, of course I’ll help you out! Yes, I know…I’m an asshole. But who wants to burn a bridge? You never know when an old contact could come in handy someday. Yeah, I’m still waiting to cash in on that.
Then I got to thinking…there was this one time that I took a heroic stance against The Man. I just wish it had been more impressive.
I had just graduated from beauty school and ran into Anal Retentive, an acquaintance through a mutual friend. He had just finished massage school. We get to chatting and hatch a plan to open a salon. Fast forward 6 months, salon is open and running and AR is driving me bananacakes. Apparently, I can’t clean properly, answer the phone properly or make coffee properly along with a whole host of other shit that I suck at. This he tells me repeatedly for 6 months.
One day Anal says to me, “Hey Wormy, why don’t you go into my room and I’ll give you a massage.” I’m all like “hell YES!” cause he NEVER would trade services with me when we were slow. It was really fucking annoying. So I go in and lay down, in the dark and wait. And wait. He then proceeds to open and close the front door, make the phone ring, talk on the phone, turn the microwave on and off, flush the toilet….for like 10-15 minutes. At first, I kept thinking “what the hell is he doing?”, and then it hit me that he was doing all the things that I do that must annoy him, so I could hear what it sounded like. Am I not to answer the phone, let anyone in the shop or God forbid, relieve yourself if HE is in a massage? He is such an asshole. He had no intentions of giving me a massage….He just played me. And now I was pissed.
I stormed out and said “what the hell do you think you are doing?” to which he started flipping out on me about how awful I am, I suck at my job, nobody likes me…blablabla…at this point he is getting so hysterical he is just screaming at the top of his lungs and decides it’s a great idea to HURL a 2-ltr bottle of Pepsi at me! The bottle hits the wall next to my head and EXPLODES in a rainfall of sticky cola foam ALL OVER ME.
I. FLIP. OUT.
I start screaming “Fuckyou….You just tried to kill me!!…Fuckyou…. I’m calling the cops!! Fuckyou!! I’m suing your ass!”…it got pretty ugly. I didn’t call the cops. Instead, I got my purse, gave him a final fuck you and walked out the door. At this point, I don’t know what to do. I live alone and now have no job. I decided I needed a drink, and headed down to see Mindbling at Philthy McNasty’s to start boozing and figure out a game plan. After pounding a few with her, I head back home and jump online and find a salon ad. So I call. They say come in for an interview in an hour. I show up. I might have been a bit tipsy. I get the job and start the next day. This was the salon that sent me to Paris, cause only shitty unlikeable employees that suck at their jobs get sent to Paris. Everybody knows that.
Anal can go get fucked up the ass for all I care. Last I heard he was in the accounting field, having failed at running a salon and being a massage therapist. Hmm…sounds like someone was shitty at their job. That is one bridge I was happy to burn down.
So, what are your best “sticking it to the man” stories? I’m sure there is one or two of you out there that has done something epic.