Its Friday…You Ain’t Got No Job….And You Ain’t Got Shit To Do….Wormy’s Gonna Get You High!

Is this the face of an angel or an asshole?

My favorite kitty, Oliver, has been acting like an asshole lately.  A few weeks ago he decided that the litter box was of no use to him anymore. He turned up his nose and his backside to it and walked away…and never looked back.  AND IT IS DRIVING US FUCKING CRAZY!  He’s two and has never caused any problems ever so this was just so random and out of the blue I thought for sure he must be sick, so I took him to the vet.  Turns out he’s just an asshole…he’s as healthy as a proverbial horse physically, but mentally he’s stressed. Are you kidding me? He doesn’t work, have to clean, cook or pay bills. Oliver gets to lay around all day, eats organic cat food and yummy high fat treats, has new toys to play with all the time, access to catnip 24/7, has a human clean his messes up for him and gets more love than some kids I know.  I guarantee you he has a better life than you do.  What the fuck is this cat stressed about? No idea. So the vet put him on kitty Prozac and said to get a product called Feliway, which is some sort of voodoo blend of cat pheromones that makes kitties relaxed and happy.

Chilla and I troop out to PetSmart and holy cow this shit is $35 for less than an ounce of product. Am I buying liquid crack? We debate and decide lets give it a try. If it works then its money well spent. If it’s a bust then we can at least say we tried everything before we threw his ass out in the cold. So we get home and go apeshit crazy with this stuff. Spraying the carpet, couch, pillows, drapes…everything.  We sit down and wait to see what happens.

All the cats start sniffing around. One on the chair, one on the carpet….and nobody does nothing. It was like watching a documentary.  We just sat there waiting for someone to claw at the carpet or jump on the chair. Nothing. Holy shit this stuff works. We start to relax…this is great! So, a few hours go by…and I’m just laughing at everything that comes out of Chilla’s mouth. I mean, he’s funny…don’t get me wrong….but I found everything HILARIOUS. Like laugh out loud, belly bent cackles.  Then I start thinking how HAPPY I am right now. I’m relaxed, content and just…happy!  Folks, I’m not really a happy person.  I’m snarky, sarcastic and sick with a dash of bitter mixed in…happy is not a word one would use to describe me.

I voice all this to Chilla.  I look at him…he looks at me. It hits us both at the same time. Holy crap, Feliway got ME stoned. This is a miracle product. Totally worth the $35.  But now we are going to need to stock pile this shit so I looked online and found it at Cat for $18.43 a bottle! Yeah, I bought the 4-pack.

I’m happy to report that Oliver’s stress level has evened out…no more accidents since the happy crack has hit the house. I’m feeling pretty groovy myself and Chilla…well let’s just say he is buying stock in Feliway.



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18 responses to “Its Friday…You Ain’t Got No Job….And You Ain’t Got Shit To Do….Wormy’s Gonna Get You High!

  1. Oh, see, I figured you were gonna say it got you high enough that you didn’t mind the cat crapping all over the house. But your version is much better. 🙂

  2. Dan

    Congratulations on the de-assholing of Oliver and for getting high in the process.

    (Think Feliway would work on a beagle?)

  3. Sez Oliver, “Damn, Wormy, don’t bogart the armrest.”

  4. Chilla

    Yeah the funny part is Feliway is made out of facial pheromones from other cats, because what cat would want to pee on another cat, just like humans, who wants to pee on/ be peed on?

  5. Ah hell. This is amazing. Nothing like getting high and making your cat not suck anymore. I wish I knew about this stuff when my old cat (my her soul rest in peace) started pulling out her fur and chasing things that just didn’t exist.

    Wonder why it had such a fantastic reaction on you two?

  6. Seattle

    I’m glad that stuff worked for you because Skye continued to be a douche despite the Feliway shit. We have a bald cat and there’s nothing we can do about it. But she always uses the litterbox so she’s only hurting herself I guess

  7. I’m buying ten cases and dousing every single article of my husband’s clothing in the stuff. It can’t hurt, right?

  8. It’s all great until you’re all out of work, eating Cheetos on the couch, and sending kitty out to turn tricks in the alley for a quarter oz. of Feliway. Catnip was just the gateway drug.

  9. DG

    This is really just so funny. Glad it worked! What are you going to do the next time company comes over?

  10. Big Mike

    Well you got a Retarded Cat. Lucky for you there are millions more to be had for free. Just feed IT put it on a street corner near a Chines Restaurant and youre worries are over. Good Luck OH no charge for the great advice .. Mike

  11. Libby

    I am SO glad I’m not the only one!

    In 2005 I moved into a new flatshare and had my first experiience of Feliway – new flatmate had to sit me down and ask what drugs i was on…

    .. total coincidence that I should happen to tell this tale to a pal a couple of weeks ago – just days before we visited a mutual friend who has six cats and a dog – and, of course – Feliway. My friends were able to see the effect on me first hand. I’ve developed severe fibromyalgia in the past few years and I’m now thinking of investing in a bottle of Feliway for pain management reasons – it really helped distract me from how bad i felt physically.

    Now, I’m a cat person – not just a person who likes cats [and dogs too] but cats, dogs, children etc love me in return – I’ve even been licked on the cheek by a wolf, and the most standoffish of kittys is usually putty in my hands, so I’m wondering if maybe there is some kind of genetic reason for it, maybe we give off some pleaseing scent ourselves.

    No, I’m not suggesting someone stick needles in us, and I’m not calling you stinky; I’m just quite pleased to discover I’m not the only one.

    One question though – are you also affected by catnip? It seems there is a small percentage of us humans who are, just as there are somne cats who aren’t bothered by it.

    • That is awesome! Unfortunately, I am not sensitive to catnip. That would be a trip for sure….the way my cats react to it, I would need rehab for my addiction.

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