My favorite kitty, Oliver, has been acting like an asshole lately. A few weeks ago he decided that the litter box was of no use to him anymore. He turned up his nose and his backside to it and walked away…and never looked back. AND IT IS DRIVING US FUCKING CRAZY! He’s two and has never caused any problems ever so this was just so random and out of the blue I thought for sure he must be sick, so I took him to the vet. Turns out he’s just an asshole…he’s as healthy as a proverbial horse physically, but mentally he’s stressed. Are you kidding me? He doesn’t work, have to clean, cook or pay bills. Oliver gets to lay around all day, eats organic cat food and yummy high fat treats, has new toys to play with all the time, access to catnip 24/7, has a human clean his messes up for him and gets more love than some kids I know. I guarantee you he has a better life than you do. What the fuck is this cat stressed about? No idea. So the vet put him on kitty Prozac and said to get a product called Feliway, which is some sort of voodoo blend of cat pheromones that makes kitties relaxed and happy.
Chilla and I troop out to PetSmart and holy cow this shit is $35 for less than an ounce of product. Am I buying liquid crack? We debate and decide lets give it a try. If it works then its money well spent. If it’s a bust then we can at least say we tried everything before we threw his ass out in the cold. So we get home and go apeshit crazy with this stuff. Spraying the carpet, couch, pillows, drapes…everything. We sit down and wait to see what happens.
All the cats start sniffing around. One on the chair, one on the carpet….and nobody does nothing. It was like watching a documentary. We just sat there waiting for someone to claw at the carpet or jump on the chair. Nothing. Holy shit this stuff works. We start to relax…this is great! So, a few hours go by…and I’m just laughing at everything that comes out of Chilla’s mouth. I mean, he’s funny…don’t get me wrong….but I found everything HILARIOUS. Like laugh out loud, belly bent cackles. Then I start thinking how HAPPY I am right now. I’m relaxed, content and just…happy! Folks, I’m not really a happy person. I’m snarky, sarcastic and sick with a dash of bitter mixed in…happy is not a word one would use to describe me.
I voice all this to Chilla. I look at him…he looks at me. It hits us both at the same time. Holy crap, Feliway got ME stoned. This is a miracle product. Totally worth the $35. But now we are going to need to stock pile this shit so I looked online and found it at Cat Faeries.com for $18.43 a bottle! Yeah, I bought the 4-pack.
I’m happy to report that Oliver’s stress level has evened out…no more accidents since the happy crack has hit the house. I’m feeling pretty groovy myself and Chilla…well let’s just say he is buying stock in Feliway.