Me, Mavrick, and the Bitches have been chatting about how we want to handle my little Mavbling’s birth on the blog. Did we want to live Tweet it? Blog it? Live stream it? Throw a fundraiser? A tailgate? A costume party? What could we do to share this precious moment with the world, and not subject all of you to super scary va-jay-jay shots? It’s a conundrum.
Mavrick is all about the live stream. He has already fashioned himself a hat with two FlipCams and a miner’s light, so that not one ounce of the glory will escape his cinematic vision. He actually brainstormed a plan to do a live feed, from the midwife center, and use the labor and delivery of Mavbling to promote the blog, and raise awareness of my vagina. He is a marketer at heart.
And I am a profiteer. So my little addition to the plan is: if we are going to live stream it, I’m selling ads. On my butt. And back, and thighs, and calves. Anywhere that might possibly be seen on the interwebz is up for grabs. This would make the bottom of my feet, some skin real estate you really don’t think that much about, prime location.
Want to wish someone a happy birthday? By having it emblazoned on my left butt cheek? You can! For the low, low price of $2,000. Coffee shop grand opening? Might I suggest taking out an ad on my right boob? Depending on how naked I get during labor and delivery, this could be the best $1000 investment you have made to date.
Have you been waiting to ask that special girl to marry you? Nothing says ‘I want you to be mine – forever’ like a marriage proposal that has been black-sharpied onto my left shoulder blade. As I plan on doing a lot of hands-and-knees birthing exercises, she is sure to see your heartfelt plea. For $300, that space can be yours. For an extra $50, I will briefly encourage her to say yes.
There are also sponsorship opportunities. A bronze sponsorship will get you a contraction. This means that as one hits, I will turn toward the FlipCam, flash my pearly whites, and say “This contraction has been brought to you by your friendly neighborhood Jiffy Lube. Stop in and say you heard about them here, and get $10 off your next oil change. Jifffffyyyyyyyyyyyy Luuuuuube fuckfuckfuck sweet mother of Christ that hurts.”
A silver sponsorship gets their logo and Web site on my birthing ball and Mavrick’s t-shirt. We will also mention your product every time I scream that I have changed my mind, and I do, indeed, want an epidural. This is basically a guarantee that you will get mentioned, like, a lot.
And, the gold sponsorship – the placenta. Any and all afterbirth will be brought to you compliments of our gold sponsor. I’m thinking an adult beverage company would be perfect for this. We will also present Mavbling to the world for the first time wearing a onesie bedecked with logos, Web sites, coupon offers, what have you. I would highly suggest that you if you are interested in this one, you act today. I can promise you it won’t last long.
And, to prove to you that I’m not a total capitalist pig, I will donate the PRIMEST real estate to a charity: my belly. How I will determine this charity is still up in the air. I was thinking cage match. Or, if that’s not feasible given the time frame, I can draw one out of a hat. You want to give your fundraising efforts a boost? Raise awareness of some sort of environmental or social concern? Encourage people to spay and neuter? I can think of no better way than a pregnant mindbling belly billboard.
So don’t delay, call today! I only have so much ass to go around, people. Don’t miss this golden chance to see your business succeed AND be a part of a beautiful moment in time. Let this give BIRTH to your next wave of customers! (Get it?) I don’t want to LABOR the point (oh boy! I’m on a roll). Don’t PUSH your luck – call today! (these just keep coming!) It’s like you were BORN to do it! (woo hoo. New calling. Quit blog – start up joke writing company!)
Now let’s have us a baby!