Hot Mama’s Hannah Montana Life

One girl, one wig...STAGGERING differences.

So that is a pretty ridiculous name for a grown woman’s blog post, but honestly, it’s how I feel right now. If you don’t have kids and have never been subjected to the popular Miley Cyrus show/movies/concerts/dolls/clothing/yogurt cups, then you don’t know what I am even referring to…so here ya go. The Hannah Montana Show is about ‘regular’ girl Miley who keeps her life as pop star Hannah a secret from all her friends. Because by the simple act of putting on a blonde wig, her image is changed soooo dramatically.

Ok, so I am not, in fact, pop starlet Katy Perry. I think you guys know that…no way to put on a ‘skinny’ body wig. But I do feel like I have kind of been back and forth between two different personalities and it has caused me to slack on my Bitchburgh writing. I have been extremely preoccupied with this new thing in my life and just wasn’t sure how I could make it fit into my Bitchburgh life. So I consulted an advisor. Dr. Mindbling, Ph. D. She advised me to write about this new thing in my life because no matter what I am doing, I am still the same person and I am still funny and everyone still loves me. You all BETTER love me. And be gentle with me because I am about to strip down and bare some sensitive shit. So here goes.

Back in May, I attended a weekend long birth doula training. I have included a link to explain what this is because I have already explained it about 8,000 times in the past year. I am to the point now where I just say, “Google it!” This is a career that has been calling to me since the birth of Smiley. I myself did not have a doula, and good lord, do I wish I would have?? Oh yes. Yes I do. My own birth experiences were not what I wanted. I felt like giving birth was something that was done TO me, not something that I was an active participant in. When I had E-man, I was young and stupid. I did not know how to ask the right questions or how to speak up for myself. I ended up with a c-section after almost 24 hours of labor. It was highly disappointing to me. By the time Smiley be-bobbed into my belly, I was a little older, but not much wiser. I didn’t know how to search around and find a doctor who would meet my needs. I ended up with another c-section because I was not fully aware of the alternatives. Sad? Yes. For me it was. It may sound silly, I know it would have hurt. A lot. But the loss of that experience is something that I have mourned over.

So, instead of feeling sorry for myself, I decided to do something about it. Becoming a doula seemed like the way to do just that. I started really looking into it about a year ago. I knew it was going to cost a lot of money, time, and energy to start working towards certification. I pondered it for quite a bit. I looked into different doula workshops and started to prepare.  Was I capable? Unselfish enough? Could I, crazy, neurotic, boxed wine loving, spastic Hot Mama really DO this? Could I be calm enough? Nice enough? Could I really step outside myself and the person who I am accustomed to being and create a new side of her? Could I still BE Hot Mama? Yes. Ok. I think so. Maybe.

Something totally wild happened. I was getting ready to go forth with all of this, and wondering how I was going to get women to trust me, how was I going to find someone to let me test this doula thing  at their own birth? And BAM. Mindbling got pregnant. It was like a sign that I was supposed to go forward with this. She and Mav wanted to get a doula anyway and guess what?!?! They picked ME. That’s right. I will be there when little Mavbling enters this world and I cannot even begin to describe what that means to me. So I went forward. I got my books, I started taking classes, and I committed myself to learning as much as I can.

I thought that The Blings would be the ones to break my doula cherry. But guess what?? When I started putting it out there in my world, I was shocked (happily shocked) to find that other women were willing to let me try my doula hat on with them. I just attended my first birth on Tuesday and it was amazing. Beyond amazing!! It solidified my decision that this is what I truly want to do.

So what does this all mean, and why am I telling you guys this? Because, in the words of that noble man that we all know as Ozzy Osbourne, “I’m going through changes.” I am finding myself in a different place. I am calmer. I am cooler. My constant sore throat has disappeared because I have stopped yelling. I find myself wanting to be healthier. I find that I have almost completely stopped smoking. I find that boxes of wine are lasting way longer then they ever have. I find myself turning oddly crunchy (I made herbal eye pillows. What the fuck is going on here?) I find myself fulfilled. I think I may have actually just found myself in general.

I still love box o’ wine, just less of it. I still run into odd situations with my life and kids and husband, I just handle them a little better. I still have a temper, I am just keeping it in check. I am still Hot Mama, just slightly new and improved. I will not be blogging about my doula stuff on here…I am going to start a separate blog for that. If you are feeling really interested, or really pregnant, or even just really bored, you can check out my little website here. It is a work in progress, so don’t judge!

I am still one of the Bitches. I have been a terrible blog contributor and for that I am sorry to Wormy and to Mindbling. I am going to do my best to step up my game. I have a little bit more time now that E-man is in big ol’ kindergarten. And rest assured I will be there, doling out wine at Podcamp. If I have to do some doula voodoo birth magic on Mindbling to make sure she pops le bebe out before then, so help me god, I will do it.

Hot Mama



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5 responses to “Hot Mama’s Hannah Montana Life

  1. Does this mean you’re going to change your moniker to Starflower or Moonbeam? I’m all for mid-life career changes (or just beginnings). I may be working on one myself very soon. Life’s too short not to do something you love, or something that you feel makes a difference.

    Only, I checked out your site and saw the words “vacuum extraction” and decided I didn’t really need to see any more of that shit. (“Paging Dr. Hoover!”)

    So, congratulations on the epiphany!! Now go light some candles, drink a little guava milk, and center your chi, Miss Lavender Willow Rainbow. 🙂

  2. If you want some theme music for your other site, how about “Doula-ing Banjos”?

    OK, maybe not…

  3. I’m glad I can’t get pregnant and that I’m only susceptible to VD. Motherhood sounds waaaaay rough.
    “‘skinny’ body wig.” LOL’d and DIED

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