Greetings, Earthlings…Hot Mama here, coming to you live from outer space. I have been poked, prodded, and dosed with drugs. They have taken my blood and stuck fingers up my butt. The worst part is that they are not aliens…they are doctors in an emergency room. OHHHH, THE HORROR!!
My stomach troubles came to a head the other day. I will spare you the gory details of my symptoms. I will just say there was blood and pain involved. Lots of pain. Doubling over, just fucking kill me, kind of pain. I called my grandma, G-Unit. G-Unit is a retired nurse and the least spastic person that I know when it comes to medical issues. She can normally talk me off a cliff when I am feeling sick or injured. She has saved me many a trip to the doctor, trips to the doctor that I can’t afford. She usually has many suggestions of what I can do at home to make myself better. So if G-Unit is concerned enough with a medical symptom that she thinks you need immediate medical care, you NEED immediate medical care.
I am pretty lucky everyone in my life is awesome. G-Unit was dealing with her own family crisis, but offered to take Smiley off my hands. I declined her offer because Cousin also offered to come over and baby-sit, which she did, in high heeled boots, leggings, and a sexy top. Gotta love Cousin. Even Mindbling, with a brand new baby, offered to help. Super D let HP off work early so that I would not have to go to the hospital alone. I don’t think I could have uncurled myself from the fetal position long enough to drive anyway.
We arrived at a local hospital…not sure if it is ok to say their name, but it’s in North Side. You do the math. We were triaged and told to sit in the waiting room. I just kind of half sat, half laid on HP. As we were waiting, a gentleman in very baggy pants came up beside us to use the courtesy phone. You know, the phone you are supposed to use if you need to get in touch with a family member to discuss another family member who is sick in the hospital? This guy did not get that memo. He thought this was his personal home phone. He proceeded to call every person he has ever known. He talked about his ankle, his religion, his 30 days of sobriety, and his lack of money. I really felt like I got to know Mr. Baggy Pants so well during that half hour, I almost gave him a hug when they called us back into a room.
I laid there in the fetal position for what seemed like forever. A young female doctor finally came in. She was a Seattle look alike, so I liked her instantly. Seriously, she could have been Seattle’s twin, just slightly taller. They even had the same mannerisms. Dr. Seattle asked me a bunch of questions and then she produced a small tube of lube. Oh no. What the hell is THAT for?? An ass exam?? My butt cheeks clenched at the thought.
Sometimes when I am nervous, I say really stupid things. Those things always make sense in my head, but once out of my mouth, I quickly try to cover them up when I see the odd looks people are giving me. Point in case was right before this ass exam. Dr. Seattle turned to HP and said, “Are you going to stay?” I said, “Oh, it’s fine. I don’t mind if he watches.” Weird look from Dr. Seattle, so I say, “I mean it’s ok if he stays. I’ve watched him get one before…(weird looks, weird looks) I mean…I didn’t watch, but I was there…I mean…uh…it was at a doctors office. It wasn’t like I…uggg. Sorry.” Dr. Seattle laughed and said something about when you are already in a hole, you should stop digging. Oh the bitter irony, her saying that as she was just about to probe my buttocks.
After that ordeal was over, I was informed that I needed IV fluids, blood tests, and after all that, was to then be rewarded with some anti-nausea and pain medicine. A nurse came in and put the IV needle thingy in my arm, took a bunch of blood, and told me to pee in a cup. I did it as quickly as possible cause I wanted the damn pain meds. I was hurtin for certain.
She finally, blessedly came in with the anti nausea and pain med injections. I had never had morphine before and did not know what to expect. The nurse told me I may feel a ‘little light headed and weird’ as the medicine first came through my blood stream. Thank you, Captain Understatement.
I felt like my stomach was dropping out through my toes and my face was falling through my ears and my ears were wrapped around my ankles. I hated it. I started yelling, “I DON’T LIKE THIS!!!!” I was kicking and flailing…HP said I knocked everything off of the bed. I was trying to rip my shirt off. I felt like I was going to vom. The nurse gave me this nifty blue bag with a plastic ring that looked like a giant condom. I had my shirt unzipped and half off (don’t worry, I had a tank top on underneath). HP asked if I wanted help to take the rest of my hoodie off and all of a sudden, the weird feeling passed and I just felt ridiculously high.
I melted back down onto the bed. HP asked me if was ok and I told him I didn’t know. I felt really, really weird. I closed my eyes and kind of drifted off into la la land. The pain wasn’t completely gone, but it was bearable. All of a sudden, HP started laughing. I opened one eye and he said, “What the hell are you doing with your barf bag?” I had the giant barf condom, cradled in my arms like a teddy bear. I was snuggling a barf bag. I had no idea what I was doing.
The doctor finally came back and said my blood tests came back normal, which means that the issue wasn’t viral or bacterial. My blood counts were good, so I didn’t lose too much, and I wasn’t pregnant. Duh. My tubes are tied. My mama showed up then and asked the doctor all kinds of questions I didn’t think of. I sat there wondering what the hell I was going to do. Hot Papa sat there kicking himself for not bringing a flipcam to capture my drug-induced hysteria.
Basically, they told me nothing. They think it is some type of colitis, but the only way to know for sure is by getting a colonoscopy. They sent me home with a bowl to poo in (which is stupid cause I only shit rose petals) and a scrip for oxycodone. I just took one as I started typing this, so I have to go now and find a barf bag to snuggle.