Living with Mindbling. Or, Going With The Flow.

The best way to learn about a person, aside from hacking into their email, is to live with them.

I wasn’t living with Mavrick for more than a week when I discovered one of his dirty little secrets. We were getting ready to go to a Pirate game. I was primping in our master bathroom, and he was male grooming in our guest bathroom, right down the hall.

I heard a buzzing sound, something like clippers, and I wondered what he was doing. Was he clipping his hair? His sideburns? Was he using my vibrator? I wanted to know. So I ask him, “Sweetie. What are you doing in there?”

“Nothing. I’m not doing anything,” he said, way too fast. Followed by the sound of someone trying to hurriedly put something away. Immediately curious, I walked over to the guest bathroom.

There he stood, blocking the door, red-faced, hair standing up on end. He was clearly trying to prevent me from entering the room.

“Sweetie. What were you doing in here?”

“Nothing. Just some … hair maintenance.” He had a giant, panicky grin stretched across his face, and he was swaying from foot to foot to block my view.

Behind him, I caught a glimpse of a bag, and a hose, and some sort of apparatus. Dear god. Is that…??

Yes. It was a Flowbee.

The love of my life used a Flowbee. Apparently, it helps keep your hair in shape in between hair cuts. It is also guaranteed to get you made fun of, and have your girlfriend write an embarrassing blog post about it.

It’s true, folks. Mavrick uses a Flowbee.

Before you think, ‘Poor mindbling. Look at what she endures.’ I must confess, I am not always a glass of peach tea myself. I have one habit in particular that I know does not endear me to Mavrick.

I have OCD. Not the kind you see on TV, where people have to touch things a certain amount of times, or wash their hands till they crack and bleed. No, I’m not that bad. My OCD takes the form of clutter phobia.

Let me be clear. I am not a clean freak. I am not one of those wackadoodles who gets down on her hands and knees to scrub the corner of the bathroom floors. No offense to the wackadoodles who do.

I am more the kind of OCD crazy that can’t stand to have one thing out of place. Ever. For any reason. For even a second. And I have always been like this. My family would spend hours of fun tossing throw pillows into the middle of the living room, and just wait to see how long it took till I snapped, picked them up, and put them back. Even though I KNEW they were going to do it again. Because my family is a bunch of assholes.

I can walk into a room and notice if Mavrick has moved the lamp a fraction of an inch to the left. I can’t tell if someone gets 8 inches of hair cut off, or loses half an arm, but boy howdy, if you knock my DVD player and cable box out of perfect alignment, I am going to know about.

I have never been drunk at one of my own parties. Okay. That’s a lie. BUT, it was always really, really late before I was able to get drunk, because I spent the entire party walking around with a trash bag. If someone set their red plastic cup down for one second too long, that fucker was gone. To the untrained eye, I looked like hired help. To my friends, they just held on to their cups and laughed.

If there is a phrase that Mavrick dreads on this planet, more than even “Honey, I’m late.”, it’s “Are you done with that?” The poor man can’t even finish a sandwich and I’m already taking his plate, his glass, wiping down the table, and putting his dishes in the dishwasher. And you can forget about snacking. I will ask him if he’s done with the pretzels, and before he can say “No, I’m still eating those,” I have them half way to the kitchen, where I will close them with a Chip Clip and put them on the Chip Shelf in the pantry, next to their Tortilla brothers and Baked Lays sisters.

The other day, during the Baltimore/KC game, he brought a bag of rice chips into the living room. He threw the bag on the table, and crumbs got everywhere. I saw him look at me out of the corner of his eye. He was watching to see how long I would let him eat his chips in peace before I asked him if he was done with those. If it wasn’t for those crumbs mocking me, begging me to wipe them up, I would have lasted longer. I broke.

“Sweetie. Are you done with those?”

“You know what? I’m not. It’s a football game. I am having a snack. Go make yourself a drink and relax, for christ’s sake.”

I could tell that my OCD was passing from “Oh, isn’t mindbling cute, the way she can’t stand stuff laying around?”, to “ If she doesn’t sit down, shut up, and let me eat my chips, I’m going to break something.”

I walked to the kitchen, fixed a drink, walked back into the living room, and he had, ON PURPOSE, scattered rice chips all over my table. Like a little, rice chip Stonehenge. He was laughing and laughing, with his perfectly Flowbeed hair. Very funny.

He actually told me today, just today, that my OCD is getting worse. I don’t know if it’s getting worse or if he is just really starting to notice it now. We have been living together for almost a year. We have a baby together. He watched me give birth. The bloom is off the rose, so to speak.

But this is where it gets good, if you ask me. This is where I know he uses a Flowbee, but I sleep with him anyway. This is where he knows that my OCD and clutter phobia is probably going to prevent him from ever really enjoying a snack ever again, but he isn’t leaving. This is where sexting turns into joint bank accounts. This is where we talk to each other through the bathroom door when we’re using the ol’ facilities.

Living together might not always be sexy, but it’s often funny. And it’s always an education. People actually use Flowbees. Who knew?

Advertisements

3 Comments

Filed under Uncategorized

3 responses to “Living with Mindbling. Or, Going With The Flow.

  1. Starsky

    HAHAHAHAHA! I don’ t know if I should make fun of him now on Twitter for using or Flowbee or assist him in tormenting you! LMAO

    Sorry Mindbling (aka Rockstar), I used to do the EXACT same thing to my baby daddy. He is a freak about certain things, one being the alignment of things in his truck, the specific temp it is set at, etc. I would ride in the truck on long road trips and torment him. I’d adjust the heater vents so that they weren’t perfectly horizontal and aligned. I would change the heat from 74 degrees to 71, knowing full well that it cannot be on an odd #. I would open the little garage door compartment on the ceiling and leave it open. I would twist the Verizon phone charger in the cigarette lighter so it wasn’t perfectly straight.

    He would repeatedly fix everything…and I would repeatedly torment him and laugh out loud.

    But hey, I have OCD about putting things away too. I cannot go to bed at night with the house out of order. I must put every little thing back in it’s rightful place before I got to bed, because I. CANNOT. WAKE. UP. TO. THIS.

    It’s getting 10x worse now that Siena has a gajillion toys and mixes them all together all day. After I put her to bed, I spent quite some time separating all her toys and putting them away. The people go with the other people…her stuffed animals all gather around the chair…All her food items in her kitchen go back in her shopping cart…All her letters go back in the mailbox….you get the point. This list goes on.

  2. Cousin_rocks

    I’m sorry Bethany. The pillow throwing is a registered trademark to me and you have to pay to use it’s likeness. My lawyer will draw up some papers this afternoon and get them to your legal team.

    PS. Can you pay for a lawyer for me so I can sue you?

  3. Never have I felt so well-adjusted in my entire life.

    Also, I have to start watching more TV, because I’ve never even heard of a Flowbee. Or maybe I just subconsciously block out all references to hair care products.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s