Mama Chilla had a girls night planned last weekend and invited The Bitches along for the ride. Mindbling and Hot Mama were busy that night so I dragged my friend Smokey with me. What a ride it turned out to be….
We started off at a local dive bar called Kimmies. It’s the Slapshots of Castle Shannon. We walk in and are the youngest by a good 30 years. And we had the most teeth of anyone in there. The first thing we notice is the bartender is in a wheelchair, behind the bar. Now that is something you don’t see everyday.
She is rolling back and forth with no problem, swilling drinks and making change. We sit down and order some drinks and start to shoot the shit with Mama Chilla and her friends.
Smokey comes back from the bathroom with her eyes wide as saucers. I’m all like, “what’s up with you?” Smokey says “have you seen the bathroom? Go see the bathroom now!” So I take that advice, grab my phone and walk into this:
Yes, there is no door to cover you while you pee. Just a nice lacey curtain you can see right through. Keeping it classy, Kimmies!
I walk through the curtain and see this:
In case you are too drunk to figure out where to aim, they put spotlights on the toilet seat? I looked everywhere to figure out where those lights were coming from and couldn’t find it. I’ve decided that they are probably filming as we pee and live streaming it to the internet.
After 2 drinks we decide its time to hit the road. To The Grove!!! The Grove is one place I SWORE I would never go, and here I am pulling into the parking lot. I actually call it The Grave, because from what I’ve heard, its where all the over-60, Viagra-induced crowd likes to hang out. And boy was that dead on.
The parking lot is packed. Once we get in, it is wall to wall people…people who had their heyday back in 1985, shaking their shit at Chauncy’s on the lit up disco floor, doing the hustle and having sex like HIV didn’t exist. Remember those days? No? Me neither, but this crowd sure did.
First person I see is dressed in club couture. She has on a blue ribbed tank top tucked into black stretch pants pulled up to her sagging boobs. And she was testing the limits of that stretch fabric for sure.
Next, I see a guy that is probably pushing 500lbs…with an oxygen tank on….with a trach…shaking what God gave him to the almost beat of the music. I then turn to my left….a woman is actually dressed in a school girl outfit, ala Brittney Spears. This bitch hasn’t been a school girl for a good 50 years. All around me were folks rocking 80’s clothing and 80’s hairstyles….holding on to 16 as long as they can.
We get drinks and just stare for a bit. The next song is…wait for it….THE ELECTRIC SLIDE. The dance floor is now being RUSHED…THE. CROWD. GOES. WILD. I mean like, seriously. They really freak out like “This is my song!” freak out. I don’t really know what to do with myself at this point, so I just start pounding drinks. What else am I going to do? The Electric Slide? I don’t think so.
At this point Chilla shows up. He walks in, takes one sweeping look around and heads to the bar. To pound drinks. Its really the only way to deal. As I’m waiting for him to get back, I spot the most awesome site I have ever seen to date. A 70 year old man, on the dance floor, doing The Robot. I’m guessing this was his signature move to get chicks at Donzie’s. I can die happy now.
After downing 3 double vodka tonics, I am now ready to hit the dance floor and show these people how youngster’s dance today. You know, all drunk sexy like. HAWT for sure.
Now, I’m not sure who bumped into who first…all I know is that as I’m getting my groove on with Chilla on the dance floor, I start to notice some chick is booty bumping into me….like, on purpose. So, I booty bump her back. And she bumps me, hard. So I bump her, hard. And then I say to Chilla “I’m going to punch that bitch in the booty” and he turns me around away from her, cause he knows I’m drunk enough to do it. Who else gets into a booty bump fight out on the dance floor at a 60 and over club? This girl.
We go to take a break from dancing and as we are exiting the floor, I look over my shoulder to give booty girl the evil eye. I’m sure it didn’t look quite as menacing as I intended in my drunken stupor but it was satisfying none the less. This is where my Twitter feed starts to really go down hill. @Burghseyewife thinks it’s a great idea if I pants that chick, which I am willing to do, if only I could find her….I think my evil eye pushed her over the edge and she left. I WIN!
Its closing time and we can’t find Smokey anywhere. Oh wait, there she is. On the dance floor. And she won’t leave. She is having way too much fun. Chilla had to pick her ass up and carry her out. It was a sight to behold.
So, I’m calling it…next girls night out we are going back to The Grave. Where else can you see old men do the robot, get the chance to dance the electric slide and get into a booty bump fight on the dance floor? Hopefully, nowhere but The Grave.