I am sure you all know the type. Christmas shopping done by December 1st. Gifts, wrapped. Cards? Sent. With personalized notes and a photo of the whole family, plus the dog, in front of a roaring fire. Cookies? Baked. With a few extra dozen, ‘just in case’. Everything is ready to go, with weeks to spare!
I, however, am not that person.
Every year I have this vision of myself as a cross between Martha Stewart and Betty Crocker, but younger, and way better looking. In this vision, I always have a perfectly decorated house. I have mailed out homemade Christmas cards with a four page newsletter, highlighting our familial achievements. I have purchased and am ready to prepare a locally-sourced and fully organic Christmas Dinner to serve to my friends and family, and I have perfectly thought out, sentimental, practical gifts for everyone, wrapped and nestled under the tree.
That’s the vision. Here is the reality:
I have three presents purchased, out of the approximately 40 on my list.
I tried to take pictures of the kids to put on cards to send out to people, but they were both being little shits, so all of the pictures turned out like this:
So then I got upset, went out and bought the big bottle of wine and some regular cards, sat down and painstakingly hand wrote each card. It took so long I got drunk, so the last couple of cards look like the baby wrote them, but I was so upset I mailed them anyway. So, sorry if one of those was yours.
Of the three presents I have purchased, exactly none of them are wrapped. I fucking hate wrapping presents. I pretend like I enjoy it, and I try to fake myself out. I put on holiday music and pour some wine and hum along to Jingle Bells, but after one or two gifts, I’m like screw this, and I start tossing stuff in gift bags.
My house looks like I have two kids, a dog, and a full time job. Because oh wait, I do. BUT! In less than four days, I’m going to have a gaggle of out of town family coming in to stay, so, in between gift shopping , present wrapping, wine drinking, nervous breakdowning and replacing the goddamn outdoor lights that shorted out, I have to make my house look like I give at least a half a shit.
It’s enough to stress out even the most heavily medicated. I figure I cannot be alone in feeling this way. I cannot be the only Christmas procrastinator. So, to help myself, and others like me, I’ve come up with a list of last minute gifts for all of the people on your list! You’re welcome.
Booze . I know, some of you may say but what about underage people or people who don’t drink? To which I say, even better. You made the effort. You got them something. And then, when they open it and say, “But I don’t drink/can’t drink/am pregnant/am 7’, you say, “Oh, so you are! My bad! Let me take that for you then.” Win/win.
Gift Card for Plastic Surgery/Skin Type of Procedure from The Skin Care Center in Pittsburgh, ask for Nellie. And NO, I’m not just putting this on here so that if and when you DO call, and tell them I sent you, that I might maybe get some free Botox. That is not very Christamassy now, IS IT? I just know that several people on your list would like and benefit from face fillers/hair removal/chemical peels.
In the spirit of stuff I’m not trying to get for free just by sending them some biznass, my friend Cassie from the blog Sisters from Different Misters has her own Esty site, Steel City Portraits, where she sells pencil drawings that she draws her very own self. And she is amazing. There won’t be time to get the drawings done BY Christmas, but she can do gift cards! Again, I am NOT doing this in the hopes that a few of you will send business her way, thereby forcing her to feel like she has to draw my kids for free. NOT AT ALL.
Here are some last minute gifts you can send me if you like, as left on my Facebook page by my friends, who may have just been telling me that I have a problem (you will notice a theme):
Also, you can never go wrong with merchandise from your favorite blog!
And finally, the one gift that you can give anytime, anywhere, for anyone. The gift of charity. Don’t know what to get the person who has everything? How about a $50 dollar donation in their name to a charity that’s near and dear to their hearts? Run out of time to get to a store, but still need to get Aunt Glynnis something? $25 online donation to her favorite cause. Done and done. It doesn’t need wrapped, and it can’t be regifted .
I could probably add a few more, but seriously, I need to get stuff done. I know this Christmas won’t be perfect in the Martha Stewart-sense, but I know in my heart it will be filled with love, laughter, and lots of prezzies. They may not be wrapped, and I may be drunk for most of it, but dammit, I’m going to make this the best damn Christmas ever.
Yours in festivities,