Oh, guys. I have bad news. We are kind of sort of leaving Bitchburgh. We’ve all taken our time off for various reasons, but it looks like right now none of us have what it takes to be a Bitch. CC is too busy being married and fabulous, Hot Mama went and get herself a full time job (because you know, raising two boys, three if you count Hot Papa, isn’t enough. She’s superwoman), and me, well…. lemme explain.
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Mavrick and I rang in the New Year the way god intended: buck naked and groggily high-fiving each other because it appeared we had made it back to our hotel room.
It was pitch black. He looked at me (I think). I looked at him (again, it was pitch black, it could have been the headboard. Who knows?). There was a knock at the door. We both jump.
I spent a considerable amount of time over Christmas trying to get the baby to show off the amazing and wonderful trick I taught him. This is a tradition that started with his older brother, who would do it at the drop of a hat. He would do it without asking. He would walk right up to total strangers and bust this sucker out. Mavbling? Not so much.
There was a lot of, come on baby! Do it for mommy! What does Santa say? And a lot of me, sweating, saying, ‘I swear, he does this all the time when no one is here, heh heh.’ And a lot of people looking at me like, that poor, delusional woman.
Well, to all of those people I say HA!!! The second you all left, LOOK WHAT MY BABY DID! Bask in the cute, folks.
I must have been a very good girl this year, because Mavrick Claus went above and beyond on the Christmas prezzies. I got a Keurig one cup coffee maker, and if you think I’m not excited about that, then you haven’t been to my house yet. Everyone that comes in gets bombarded: “Do you want a cup of coffee? Cause I can totally make you one. Fresh. In under a minute. Seriously. You better have some coffee. You look like you need some.”
I am sure you all know the type. Christmas shopping done by December 1st. Gifts, wrapped. Cards? Sent. With personalized notes and a photo of the whole family, plus the dog, in front of a roaring fire. Cookies? Baked. With a few extra dozen, ‘just in case’. Everything is ready to go, with weeks to spare!
I, however, am not that person.
I am proud to say that at 36, I am in the best shape of my life. Running has helped a lot, as has getting my boobies done. I think some of it is being in your 30s, too. Back in the day, the mere sight of a stretch mark had me screeching down the hallway like my ass was on fire.
Now, I just give a worldly shrug, sip my wine, and make my next Botox appointment. It’s amazing how getting older really helps you get comfortable in your own chemically enhanced, surgically altered skin. But I digress.
Ok. So some of you may know that me and Mavrick had An Incident. I am not going to get into the Details of the Incident, but I will say that I’m glad I resisted my original impulse to blog all about it and smear his name all over the interwebz in a most public fashion (well, anymore than I already did). Because we have Overcome. We did The Therapy. We are now Stronger. Our relationship is Better, and I am Happier and Have Received Many Presents and Flowers and also Cards.
And let’s leave it at that, shall we? Moving on…